Guest Contribution by Zhenia Reprincev

Heroes is back, and with a vengeance!  The new storyline will be riveting, the action scenes thick with excitement, and more villains galore!

‘Tis the release of Season Three: VILLAINS!

The TV show “Heroes” is perhaps one of the most widely-known programs on national television, especially after its sharp rise to popularity from its first season on the air.  The show’s writers carefully and creatively integrated the supernatural element of comic book stories to “real life” characters, effectively making the show appealing to a wide demographic.  At first, Heroes seemed like some sort of X-Men rip-off, but with each episode, the story lines became more and more interesting, due to the nature of each character and how they acquired and used their “abilities,” another word for special powers.

The excitement and originality, however, would only last for a short period of time.  Season one was fairly entertaining and season two felt lacking in comparison.  The infamous writer’s strike earlier this year fortunately brought the ailing second season to a close.  Almost immediately, it was announced that season three was in the works, and the show’s creators promised it to be “bigger, badder, and worth the wait.”  Unfortunately, this turned out to be far from the case.  Perhaps the writers were pissed, because Sylar stole their brains, based on the material that appeared so far this season.

Currently, Heroes is almost halfway into its third season, and with its highly erratic and incoherent plot, it is evident there either may have been a change in writers or the same writers are writing ridiculous material on purpose to see if ratings are affected.  It is highly likely the show’s creators allowed a class of third graders to write the Heroes script, all separately, then taking each submitted script, random episodes had been strewn together.  I mean, nothing makes sense anymore, even though there seems to be some sort of suspenseful moment at the conclusion of each episode.

Do you not believe me?  Here are ten legitimate reasons Heroes season three fails at almost every level (and I am sure there are many more):

1. Sylar’s Sudden Change of Heart

Season one’s main antagonist was a super-powered serial killer named Gabriel Gray, who took on the name Sylar after discovering his potential for acquiring other people’s powers.  He figures out a way to obtain new abilities by slicing the skull off of the top of his victims’ heads to study their brains.  We later figure out that Sylar’s killing spree had been triggered by an insatiable hunger for power consumption, all linked to his innate ability of intuitive aptitude (the ability that allows its possessor to understand how things work).  Essentially, he could find out how people with abilities “worked,” which allowed him to steal their power after exposing their brain and studying it (of course, by doing this, he would kill each victim, the only exception being Claire, due to her invulnerability).

Now, as season three began its course, the creators created a convoluted story, making the viewers feel sorry for Sylar, for he had been a victim of his “hunger,“ forcing him to kill against his will.  In an episode that took the viewers into the past, we saw Sylar attempt to hang himself due to his guilt over killing his first victim.  Additionally, in an episode that took the viewers into the future, we see Sylar with full control over his ability, as he essentially curbed his hunger for power consumption, showing viewers that he had, in fact, become “good.”  He even had a son, named Noah (presumably after Noah Bennet, the man, who during the whole course of the show, hunted Sylar), whom he cited as being partially responsible for suppressing his homicidal tendencies.  During many of the episodes of season three, Sylar was seen fighting his “hunger” and tried very hard to be a “different person” on his road to redemption.

All changed when the eleventh episode of season three aired, effectively rendering the creators’ work to shape the “repentant” Sylar character completely and utterly worthless.  He immediately reverted back to his homicidal self, cited his good behavior as “just temporary,” and began killing innocent victims all over again.

2. Timeline Inconsistencies

Sometimes, aired Heroes episodes take place during a different timeline than the regular course of the show.  For instance, characters will be warped to some unknown time into the future or past.  During “future” episodes, viewers are introduced to a grim future (usually five years into the future), and expect the protagonists in the show to go back in time to keep that particular catastrophe from happening.  Naturally, there will be future versions of the show’s characters without any correlation to their present selves at all, making some viewers realize, “Um, why was that stupid ass episode aired?”  It makes no sense.“  I mean, Claire somehow bears some particular hatred for Peter?  Sylar has a child named Noah?  Then there is also Matt Parkman.  It seems every future version of himself somehow gets caught up taking some stupid ass side for some stupid ass reason.  In fact, the only similarity between present-day Parkman and future Parkman is he is still the same idiot.  The ”past“ episodes are even more ludicrous.  During a recent episode, Claire goes back to visit herself as a baby and runs into her adoptive parents who have no idea who she is, but she ends up talking to them, briefly taking care of herself and giving her parents omens and warnings of the future.  Wouldn’t the present versions of the characters realize, “Hey, I remember when you came back to the past!” ?

Besides, the whole idea of going back to the past could never happen.  Think of the Terminator movies, assuming that robots and time machines actually exist.  If John Connor made it to the future alive, there is no way he could have been killed in the past.  The only time I had seen a well thought out journey to the past through film and TV was when I watched the Darren Aronofsky movie The Fountain.  Go see it if you have not.

Some movies and shows treat going to the past as if the past timeline was moving at the same time as the present one.  For examples, see movies such as Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure (don’t ask me how Keanu Reeves still gets work) and the mid-80s sci-fi B-movie Trancers.  In Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, for instance, the duo “hurried” back home to deliver their presentation, although it would not occur, time-wise, for 100 years.

Heroes does not even take this angle, which makes the already unrealistic show even more unrealistic and sophomoric.

Here is another part, too.  Sylar and Peter apparently became brothers during season three (which was later proven false), although when Peter went to the future, Sylar was still under the impression they were brothers.  So, Sylar and/or Peter could not have found out the truth over five years?  And Sylar had not reverted to his “evil” self?

3. Sylar Petrelli!  I mean…just kidding!

Another way creators/writers try to add spice to their show is to somehow make people who you would never think are related…related (a good example was when Dexter, from the eponymous ‘Dexter,’ finds out the serial killer from the first season was his older brother).  The big “shocker” this season (oooooooo) was when viewers discovered Sylar was Angela and Arthur Petrelli’s son, effectively making him Peter and Nathan’s brother.  This “fact,” of course, proved to be false, as it was retracted several episodes later.  So, here I am again…dumbfounded.  It reminded me of 24’s season six, a sinking ship from the beginning, when the writers said amongst themselves, literally, “The ratings are down this year?  The viewers say we are running out of material?  Oh, screw that…we are making that geek from season five, you know, the bad guy with the Bluetooth…yeah, we’re making him, umm…Jack’s brother!  Oh wait, the show still sucks?  Okay, let’s make the real bad guy his daddy!”  It had been an attempt to save the season (and perhaps the show), but it was executed so poorly.  Given that Heroes did the exact same thing, then retracted it, their execution was even worse.

I could see the writers fighting amongst themselves.  “Who’s freakin’ idea was that?!  I am changing it back to the way it was, bastards!”

4. Arthur Petrelli Pulls A Jesus

Here is another “thrilling” element.  Arthur Petrelli, known to be dead throughout the whole series, suddenly came back to life in season three.  The creators desperately tried to find some reason to bring him back from the dead by airing an episode in the past that showed him being poisoned, but not entirely killed.  He became the main antagonist of the show with the ability to absorb others’ abilities, leaving them dry without power, to take for his own.  This whole plan of his abruptly ended when he was killed off during the last aired episode, but who knows…he may come back to life again!

Since I am also on the topic of inconsistencies, the actor portraying Arthur Petrelli looks nothing like his counterpart on the “group of twelve who founded the Company” photo (see photos below), which means the writers were incredibly desperate to find another villain.  They would have been significantly more successful introducing someone new with a very interesting, preferably disturbing, background.

If you can see what I mean:

Arthur Petrelli

“Arthur Petrelli”

5. Isaac’s Posthumous Paintings Are Back…Again.

In season one, Sylar killed off one of the main recurring characters, a precognitive painter named Isaac Mendez, in order to steal his ability.  Ever since his death, many “posthumous” paintings of his have shown up with some sort of omen attached to them.  Although I understand that idea may work the first couple of times, the writers reuse this concept so often in season three, it is just annoying, not to mention, completely unoriginal.  I mean, how come the characters of the show did not discover these, you know…earlier?  No matter how good the show’s writers think they are…how do you explain the circumstances concerning his paintings that just keep popping all over the place?  Additionally, it just so happens during each episode the paintings and/or comic books they find of his happen to be relevant to the current story line.  During a recent episode, a comic book store possesses all of the “9th Wonder” comic books that were previously undiscovered by any of the main characters.  The show is already unrealistic enough…

The writers could have at least created a new precognitive painter, like the African man, and implied that he/she was painting them.  I mean, seriously…Isaac is releasing more posthumous material than 2Pac ever did.

6. Sylar Loses His Abilities

Viewers reluctantly watch as Sylar regained his abiities at the conclusion of season two.  Or did he?  After the numerous abilities he gained through season one, including telekinesis, freezing, telepathy, melting, enhanced hearing, and radioactivity, the only ability he retained after losing all of them during season two (after taking some sort of antidote) was telekinesis.  Is there any explanation for this?

7. Sylar Has Peter’s Ability?  Yeah, But Screw It.  Killing Is Fun.

Here is how badly this idea was executed.  First of all, it is revealed that Sylar had Peter’s “empathic” ability all along, allowing him to obtain the powers of others without actually having to kill them, essentially revealing that Sylar’s “knowing how things work” ability was just all demented and messed up to begin with.  During the season, Sylar’s reason for killing was to obtain others’ abilities…so if he was in fact “good,” then why did he not continue to take abilities using empathy?  Sylar used his empathic ability once, when he obtained Elle’s lightning.  After this whole new discovery, however, Sylar went back to his old ways anyway, first killing a pretty lady to take her lie detection ability, then killing Elle later…for fun?

8. The Solar Eclipse

The “solar eclipse” seems to be a very important element of the television series.  I mean, the O from the “HEROES” title is represented by a small picture of a solar eclipse.  During the third season, Arthur Petrelli foretells the coming of the eclipse with a drawing.  So, then a two-part episode is released, called “The Eclipse.”  Finally, three seasons later, an explanation!

Prepare to be disappointed, because here is what happened:

The eclipse lasted for less than fifteen minutes and all it did was prevent people with abilities from using them, and then – hey – they got their same abilities right back.  Viewers waited two and a half years for that?!

9. The Niki Sanders / Tracy Sanders Snafu

Heroes also is lucky enough to suffer from the greedy actor/actress syndrome.  You know, when an actor or actress from the show determines that their salary of “only” $200,000 per episode is not enough, so they back out unless they get a raise.  The show’s executive team then proceeds to tell the respective actor/actress to screw off and find work elsewhere, until hey!  There is no work!  So they come back, of course…to find their character is killed off.

Or is it?

Niki Sanders (played by Ali Larter) made an entrance from the beginning of the series as a schizophrenic woman, whose alternate personality “Jessica” possessed enhanced strength (and proportionately enhanced insanity).  At the conclusion of season two, she became trapped in a burning building and subsequently died in the ensuing explosion.  Miraculously, in season three, she came back…but as a different girl named Tracy, a woman “mysteriously“ an exact copy of Niki.  This character appeared out of absolute nowhere, completely oblivious to the fact that someone who looked exactly like her lived in the same area and nobody ever knew.  Seriously, where did she come from?

It is discovered she was in fact Niki’s sister who had been genetically enhanced at birth, giving her a freezing power, unlike her sister, who got enhanced strength.  The whole premise of Niki and Tracy becoming separated at birth,  and the explanation for their different abilities…still remains a mystery.  What I am thinking here is the writers killed her off due to her contract ending (with no desire to renew), until she finally renewed the contract after her character had indeed been killed off.  What a crap idea that was.

10. The Catalyst

May I ask what the Hell is the catalyst and where did it come from?  For those of you who do not know, the catalyst was that glowing essence that apparently was needed to bond the ions for the formula (the substance that grants people abilities) together in order for it to be usable.  I do not understand exactly why it was introduced into the story line, but the whole idea of it was very poor and was equally poorly executed.

Posted by Zhenia Reprincev on 12/18/08

Every November on Thanksgiving Day, misty-eyed Americans reflect on all of the reasons that they have to be thankful for being alive. Sometimes on days like today, I feel a little guilty giving thanks for everything that’s going right in my little corner of the world when there is so much human suffering to be found everywhere else. Mumbai especially comes to mind for me on this Thanksgiving day.

So instead of subjecting you to a trivial, self-indulgent list of things that make me happy, why I don’t I just bitch a while about trivial things that piss me off? Somehow, I think, this kind of exercise strikes closer to the heart of things.

Here is my list of petty grievances, organized in no particular order.

• The misuse of Amber Alert signs, utilized for the purpose of breaking people’s balls. The Amber Alert Program was enacted in 2002, enabling law enforcement agencies to quickly disseminate information about time-critical child abduction cases. Many Amber Alert signs have been erected near highways all over the United States.

  


  

  When used properly, these signs display critical information about kidnapped children and their suspected abductors. More often than not, however, these signs display public service slogans designed to nag you and to remind you of your duties as a responsible driver. During most major holidays, the signs command you to “Report Drunk Drivers – Call 911″. Every Fourth of July or Cinco de Mayo, the signs remind you that “Fireworks Are Illegal”. And on ordinary days, the signs pester you with “Click It Or Ticket” or “Don’t Speed – Save Lives”. Just once, couldn’t the people controlling those signs either post something positive or festive like “Happy Holidays”, or just turn off the damned signs? And don’t even get me started on the Schwarzenegger administration’s proposal to post advertisements on Amber Alert signs to generate revenue for the state of California.




• Dim traffic signal lights with bad visibility from varying ranges While we’re on the subject of driving, I hate those traffic signal lights covered with glossy lenses that make the entire strip of lights appear to be shut off until you drive within a certain proximity of a traffic intersection. I tried to do some research online before writing about these lights, but I came up with nothing. I don’t have an official term for the offending lights, and I don’t understand the science behind the lenses, but what I do know is that they are ridiculous hazards.

  Most traffic signal lights in the United States are bright and visible, day or night, from any reasonable distance or angle. But there is an obnoxious handful of traffic signal lights on the road that are equipped with these terrible glossy lenses that make all of the colors look dim, and you don’t know whether you should stop or drive through until you’ve almost entered the intersection. “Stop” and “Go” are two concepts that should not be equivocated so easily.

  


• Crowd participation. There’s nothing I hate more about attending a live musical performance than being pressured into clapping along with a beat. I’m not trying to crap on the value of shared experiences, but I’m sorry: crowd participation is bullshit. I didn’t leave my house to act as a ghetto metronome; I’m here to be entertained. Clapping along with a song is tedious, and pretty much every crowd grows tired of the game midway through any song. I predict that shit and roll my eyes every time audiences start it up, and I’m always right. I clap my hands only when I believe that I’ve been given a reason to.




• Gratuitous live, on-location reporting by television news journalists. The news is a highly time-sensitive subject. It makes sense that so many TV news journalists report live from remote locations, because sometimes you don’t have all of the facts until just a few minutes before you go on the air. What I find irritating, though, is the culture of television journalism that emphasizes the importance of reporting live and on the scene at all possible times, even when it’s not relevant to do so. In my television-viewing lifetime, I have witnessed such bullshit as a local news correspondent reporting live and on the scene at 11 o’clock at night from some vacant, outdoor venue where an important event happened twenty years ago. I don’t understand this phobia that news agencies have of allowing their correspondents to comment on recorded images while they sit comfortably in the broadcasting studio.


Problems with audio/visual feeds and disruptions by obnoxious bystanders would greatly reduce if these TV professionals would just broadcast from behind a desk more often.




• Astrology. It’s difficult to understand how so many intelligent people can buy into the concept that objects in outer space have a direct effect on the personalities and behaviors of human beings. We’re talking about objects occupying space hundreds of millions of miles away from Earth. How the hell does the alignment of planets have any impact on my development as a person? If you believe that the positioning of planets at the moment of my birth is an indicator of what’s to come throughout my adulthood, then I contend that the arbitrary positioning of objects on Earth at the moment of my birth also plays a significant role on who I will become.

  I think it bears mentioning that when I was born, my father’s Buick Regal was parked 58 meters away from the hospital entrance. It is because of this fortuitous positioning of my father’s car that I will be a generous person with a sunny demeanor and a strong propensity for juggling, ventriloquism, and taxidermy. Had my father parked 57 meters away from the hospital entrance, I would have been a surly, cranky asshole who hates everything and everybody. I really dodged the proverbial spooky-superstitious-matter-and-space-altering-cosmical-tarot-death-card-Scorpiquarius-Year-of-the-Rat-Gemini’s-Twin-Little-Dipper bullet. Thank Zeus! I mean, I don’t believe in anything else that came out of Greek mythology, but I inexplicably accept this dubious correlation between celestial bodies and human bodies.




• DVD commentary banter containing spoiler alerts. I’m a special features geek. I watch a fair amount of television shows and movies on DVD, and I almost always make time to listen to the commentary tracks. The one conversation that I’m tired of listening to is the one that seems to pop up in every commentary track ever recorded. Invariably, somebody on the commentary track wants to talk about a plot point that will be revealed either later in the movie or later in the episode, but they voice their hesitation since they don’t want to spoil the surprise for the viewer. Eventually, somebody else in the recording booth asks, “Who buys a DVD and goes straight to the commentary track without watching the original content?” Then the commentators have a good laugh over this nugget of insight and carry on as though they were the first people to ever have this conversation. There goes another two minutes of wasted commentary time. That’s two minutes’ worth of lost revelations.

  I realize that DVD commentary tracks are inherently a waste of time, but the least that these Hollywood professionals can do is have the courtesy to get a freaking clue about their own industry before they waste my time with this moronic running gag in their commentary tracks.

  


• Birds that swoop low to the ground when they’re flying across a street. Fuck birds. They can fly while the rest of us can’t, and yet they always swoop down into harm’s way in front of my moving car when they want to cross a street. I’ve nearly crashed into a couple of them in my time. Look, birds: the whole point of flying is being able to crap on us land dwellers’ heads all the while you stay out of our reach. If you birds are going to squander your ability with these daredevil antics, then you deserve whatever misfortune becomes of you when you’re not looking.

On this Thanksgiving Day of 2008, I give thanks for all of these petty grievances. They keep me irritated, they keep me human, and counter-intuitively, they probably keep me sane. Seriously though, fuck birds.

Posted by KZ on 11/27/08

• The word “freedom” doesn’t sound as credible as it ought to when it’s pronounced with a Texas accent.
• Even when you suspect that the party on the other end of the telephone is an automated recording, you shouldn’t go into “back-talking, sarcastic asshole” mode and interject with obscenities until you’re absolutely sure it’s a recording.
• When you’re sick, and your voice deepens, it’s fun to pretend that you’re Henry Kissinger.
• My Henry Kissinger impression sounds more African than German. I’m horrible at accents.
• My salamander doesn’t stare at me from inside his tank because he’s bored. He does it because he likes screwing with me.
• My mom is a closet Homer Simpson fan.
• Outlining your notes during the semester really is better than half-assing it at the end before finals.
• Setting “Still D.R.E.” as the ringtone on your new cell phone is almost as cool as it is lame.
• For the rest of my life, I will never be able to drink Earl Grey tea without thinking about Captain Picard.
• For the rest of my life, I will never once be able to hear the word “penal” without letting my mind wander into the gutter. Come to think of it, that word also reminds me of Captain Picard.
• I just created a stream of consciousness blog entry that references both my mother and a penis joke in almost the same breath. I scare me.

Posted by KZ on 11/24/04

Priceless experiences outside the classroom.

• People actually stopping me to ask for directions when I’m obviously lost at all times. Get a clue, people. I might as well have “tourist” or “mug me” tattooed on my face.
• Witnessing a man in a collared shirt and tie taking a leak while he stood on a high-traffic sidewalk.
• Being pressured into getting my shoes polished by an old black dude named Curtis. He saw me walking by in my Skechers, and he went in for the kill when he smelled my weakness. I talked him down to 4 dollars, but I paid him the full 7 after he told me about trying to make rent. Suckered.
• Being approached by a crazy homeless guy who just assumes people understand the random shit he comes up with. I’m headed towards the BART station, and this guy comes up to me and points to an old lady sitting on a bench. “She won’t let people sit there because of the Beverly Hill Billies eating lunch.” he said. “Really? Why’s that?” I asked. And he laughed conspiratorially and looked at me with expectation, as if waiting for me to acknowledge that he and I were in on the joke. I just smiled and walked on.
• Arriving at my school for the first time and noticing that, on a wall in a courtyard a little across the way, somebody had tagged the word “VEGAN.” Dude, you know? Talk about politicizing your eating preferences.

Posted by KZ on 08/21/04

The following is a reproduction of some of the more interesting bits of graffiti scrawled on a particular carrel in Santa Clara University’s Orradre Library:

“I study here because I am afraid of people.”

“I study here because I hate the world.”

“I study here because I have to or I can’t play!”

“SCANTRON NOFX!”

“I shit on ignorance.”

“People who write on stuff give me something to read. Thanx.”

“This wood grain pattern effectively simulates the radio wave intensity pattern of the universe.” (written in response) “My Ass.”

Posted by KZ on 10/08/03

• Insomnia is my friend since lack of sleep apparently enhances my test-taking abilities. I took the LSAT without having been able to sleep at all the night before, and I think I did as well as I ever could have.
• When clubbing in San Francisco, you shouldn’t leave your Louis Vuitton scarf laying around unattended in the same spot for two hours, because there are people like Mel out there who can’t resist the temptation to snatch it.
• Speaking of the city, San Francisco cab drivers are awesome.
• One day, my car will kill me. Did you know that when you drive an American car, sometimes “Drive” means “Neutral,” or sometimes even “Reverse?” Like, duh Kev. You can’t always expect your car to move FORWARD when you shift to D.
• Again, while clubbing, the world you experience as a male is so different when you’re accompanied by two attractive women. People (mainly guys) treat you a lot more kindly in the hopes that you’ll say, “No, it’s cool. She’s not my woman.”
• The same guys that approach you to ask about said attractive women are usually full of themselves. “Oh, so you two aren’t dating? What’s her problem then? When I talked to her, she wasn’t down.”
• When you wake up Monday morning, and the things you did on Friday afternoon seem like they happened a week ago, you’ve done something right.

Posted by KZ on 10/06/03

• 9:00pm: Isaac takes me aside the moment we arrive at The Blue Tattoo and orders us two Alizé and tonics and two Coronas. Being the whipping boys of the night, we toast to “designated drivers” and drink up.
• 10:12pm: Mel is good and liquored up by this time, and he starts in with all his usual antics: walking up to girls on the dance floor and raising both arms to bask in his glory (or whatever the hell that gesture means); calling out things like “I’m rich, I’m single, I’m famous!” or the classic “are you down?” to random chicks passing by; and repeatedly promising to get me and my friends laid by the end of the night. As ever, I’m reminded that even though Mel’s an asshole, and he’s definitely full of shit, I can’t help but love the guy.
• 12:00am: While crossing the outer courtyard of the club with my friends, I make eye contact with a hot Asian chick with that cute, unconceited, girl-next-door look to her. Trailing my friends, I head in her general direction, notice her turn her head to acknowledge me, and I walk right on by because I’m such a goddamn walking pile of insecurities. A pussy, if you will.
• 1:53am: A drunken Carlos approaches the live percussionist who is accompanying the DJ in the trance/techno room. Carlos reaches over and pounds out a great rhythm on the bongos. He and the percussionist start dueling from opposite ends of the drums.
• 2:20am: While eating burritos at Iguana’s, Calvin—the so-called “7th Street Crip,” according to Mel—conspicuously turns around in his seat to check out a girl standing behind him and then takes a picture of her booty with his cell phone.
• 2:45am: From the comfort of my own car, I watch Carlos and Fish drunkenly stumble across Carlos’ driveway and head for the front door. Amused, sober, but still somehow fully satisfied, I back away and drive home.

Posted by KZ on 09/06/03

• Oversleeping on a weekday and then subsequently hauling ass in order to attend a class that bores the hell out of you.
• 50 Cent. Seriously, he’s the most overrated thing since sliced bread. “I love you like a fat kid love cake.” Wow man, profound. I guess I can throw out all of my 2Pac albums now and clear a space on my shelves for 50 Cent.
• Pretentious music composers who write confusing sheet music. There’s no such thing as a B-sharp or an F-flat, so just get over yourselves.
• Entourage members who feel the need to rap over the headliners’ lines during a live hip-hop performance. Hey guys, there’s a reason why you don’t have your own albums, so keep it down already.
• The sequel mentality. Did you know people are referring to the most recent war in Iraq as “Gulf War II”?
• The Bible Belt. Specifically, I have a problem with the blatant conjunction of Church and State. Alabama recently declared that dildos are still illegal in that state. For one thing, I didn’t even know that dildos were ever illegal in Alabama to begin with. And second, both the federal and state governments need to lay off on mandating morality through trivial decrees.

I feel better now. Urge to kill fading…fading…rising! Fading…

Posted by KZ on 05/12/03

• “Sex is a normal part of the human experience. We all want it. We all need it. Now I’m not saying I’m human, but that’s how I advocate the human experience.
• (after being told that mamae is a variation of “mother” in Portuguese) “God I know. It’s so obvious. It’s not like I thought it meant ‘hubcap’ or something.”
• “Wait a minute, that’s not a guy.”
• “Not everybody can be international activists, but we all have the opportunity to be local jackasses.”
• “I think it’s safe to say that no matter what the question is, Kevin doesn’t give a damn.”
• “No shirt, no shoes, no service. What about no pants?”

Posted by KZ on 03/14/03

• “What if you fell in love with a girl, but later you found out that she was really a guy? Could you stay in love with the person while knowing that? Probably not. And you know what that says about love? It’s bullshit.”
• (said to a table of four) “You know what we should do? We should go to Greece. And while we’re there, we should get a girl for each of us. So that would be like, eight girls total.”
• “When you first try bending strings, you’re so scared that the things are gonna snap. But after a while, you realize your fingers are more likely to break before the goddamn strings will.”
• “Cold weather is overrated.”
• “You know why Charlie Brown is so cool? Because he always gets the shaft.”

Posted by KZ on 02/10/03