I guess it’s no secret that I like to complain. Sure, I’ve been known to build things up on occasion during upswings of optimism. But at heart, I’m just a cantankerous old crank who fixates on the tiniest of gripes — the pettiest of grievances. I am all too aware that the world is full of some genuinely pressing problems, but that’s never stopped me before from sweating over the little things. So here we go, kids. I’ve come up with a short new list of trivial things that either baffle me, or just plain piss me off. It’s just what I do. Listen up and pay attention.

• Awkward endings to news articles

  Did you ever notice that online news articles often conclude with inelegant, poorly written endings? I’m not even talking about bad wording or syntax; I’m talking about those awful, lazy, awkward conclusions that only have the slightest bit of relevance to all of the information that precede them. These terrible endings always include some bizarrely inappropriate, non-topical point of fact that seems more jarring and confusing, rather than informative. It’s almost as if the authors just ran out of time before they could wrap things up satisfactorily, so they just reached for the nearest piece of trivia that came to mind, and they jammed it in at the end.

  I admit, this may be an esoteric thing to complain about, but don’t tell me that you have never read a single online article that ended as badly as the following example:

  . . . .
  
  Having run out of bullets during the sixteen hour standoff with police, the unidentified gunman killed his oldest and final hostage — 94-year-old Maurice DeCampo — by savagely beating him to death with a Snuffleupagus stuffed toy. The gunman then turned the toy on himself, somehow managing to jam the trunk of the stuffed Snuffleupagus down his own throat, thereby blocking his windpipe. The gunman had died by asphyxiation before SWAT team members could secure the building.

  

  Snuffleupagus is the lovable, woolly-mammoth-like Muppet sidekick of Big Bird on the Emmy Award winning public television series Sesame Street.
  

Who the hell are the editors who are letting this sloppy bullshit slide? I mean seriously, are these journalism professionals actually trying to be terrible at their jobs?

“Bullshit” is a common American English expletive, often used as an interjection, which connotes disapproval due to unfavorable circumstances, or disapproval in relation to misleading, disingenuous, or false language.

See what I did there? Somebody from the Associated Press should be calling me any day now with a job offer.






• Regular strength first aid ointment

  
  
  

  Why does Neosporin offer both regular strength and maximum strength healing ointments? What market segment is Neosporin trying to capture with a product that has inferior healing qualities? I can picture some guy standing in the first aid aisle of a drug store who would be thinking to himself: “Well, I like the idea of treating my cuts with an antibacterial cream, but I’d like to bleed as much as possible before my wounds are healed.”

  




• Talking like Yoda from Star Wars

  Yes, Yoda is an awesome character. I dare say he was too good for the travesty that was the Star Wars prequels. He deserved so much better than that.

  

  Yet as much as I love Yoda, I can’t stand it when lame motherfuckers try to capitalize on Yoda’s awesomeness by speaking in the little green Jedi’s backwards vernacular. For a taste of what I’m talking about, try opening up a new tab on your internet browser and running a Google search for the phrase, “does not a Jedi make”. For some variety, try diversifying the results by searching for the phrases “does not a” and “make” within the same search. You’ll find plenty of examples of jackasses on the internet who think it is clever and cute to imitate Yoda’s signature cadence.

  I’m sorry, but there is nothing remotely cool about talking like Yoda unless you happen to be Frank-Fucking-Oz himself. I tend to group those people who attempt to talk like Yoda in the same category as those pathetic people who think they can do a dead-on impression of Austin Powers. Both endeavors are equally capable of making a rational listener cringe. Both endeavors are equally lame.

  Imitating Yoda’s speech pattern is about as cool as young Anakin Skywalker’s “Yippee” in Episode I.

  Yeah … remember that shit? Star Wars is fucking lame.

  




• People who mock the Chinese for mispronouncing the letter “L”

  I understand where the jokes about bad driving come from. And I get it that our slanted eyes make us look wacky and blind. I’ll even let it slide that there are those who talk shit about about Chinese people eating cats and dogs, because there are other ethnic groups out there that eat far crazier things. But Jesus, people, get a clue about basic cultural and geographical differences. China and Japan are completely different countries. I mention this because it’s primarily the Japanese who famously have trouble distinguishing their Ls and Rs, because there is no “L” sound in the Japanese language.

  

  Many westerners lazily assume that if one rule applies to a single group of yellow people, then it must be that way across the board. I assure you, though: the phonetic “L” sound is alive and well in China and Taiwan. Haven’t you people ever heard of the Shaolin monks, or Lao-Tzu, the father of Taoism? How about Bruce Lee, Jet Li, Ling Ling the giant panda, Lucy Liu, movie director Ang Lee, or even Chun-Li of Street Fighter fame? You stupid dipshits. That whole “Asiany” side of the globe isn’t exclusively populated by an interchangeable mass of “Chinese” people, you know.

  Now that I’ve done my part to dispel that popular misconception about the Chinese, why don’t I set my people back a few more decades by reveling in the self-parody of Notorious MSG?

  China White, bitch.

  




• The “Legitimacy” of Twitter

  I am hardly the first person to hate on Twitter, but I sincerely hope that I am not the last. Why the hell is this gimmicky website so popular? The concept of Twitter is asinine and shallow. If you have something to say, then why would you arbitrarily limit yourself to 140 characters? I liked the original incarnation of personalized online expression back when it was called “blogging”.

  

  Yes, I realize that young people in Iran launched a would-be revolution back in 2009 with the help of their incendiary tweets, but I believe many of those protesters sacrificed substance for the convenience and immediacy that Twitter provided. Imagine how much more impressive it would have been to read a whole host of blog entries decrying the corruption that enabled a tampered presidential election, versus bullshit like, “Protesting Ahmadinejad ftw. The Green Movement shall prevail! Gather @ coffee shop by 1400. Farrokh: Bring your bongo drums.”

  Honestly, am I the only American who’s irritated by the fact that Twitter has gained so much undeserved legitimacy, that our politicians are now embracing it as a viable means of communicating their thoughts to the public?

  For the sake of illustration, I have randomly decided to pick on Chuck Grassley, the republican United States senator from Iowa. On September 2, 2010, Grassley tweeted the following message:

  Great Qs @ Moravia Senior Hi They have good perspective on fed govt thanks to good teacher

  Notice the abbreviations. You understand what Grassley is saying when he talks about “Qs” and the “fed govt”, but it might take you second to realize that “Hi” is short for “High School”. It also doesn’t help matters that this tweet lacks any kind of punctuation, presumably due to the fact that Grassley was worried about capping out his 140-character limit. For the record, Grassley’s tweet is only 74 characters. I don’t know very much at all about Senator Grassley. My opinion of this elected official, however, has lowered considerably because he seems to have no qualms about communicating his thoughts in text like an illiterate, net-speaking teenager.

  Why are so many public officials enamored by Twitter? Why do America’s news outlets pay such deference to what famous people are tweeting? Reporters quote tweets all the time in their news stories, as if the American public has been clamoring to hear topical commentary by somebody whose online handle might as well be “xXbigdixmcgeeXx”? Fuck Twitter up its stupid fucking ass.

  Do you remember when actress Brittany Murphy died in December 2009? Apparently, more than one news outlet saw it fit to quote Ashton Kutcher’s eloquent eulogy tweet during that sad episode:

  2day the world lost a little piece of sunshine. My deepest condolences go out 2 Brittany’s family, her husband, & her amazing mother Sharon.

  I don’t think any further explanation is necessary for you, the reader, to grasp just how much I hate the previous two sentences. But I will say this: If, when I die, anybody ever tries to euologize me in 140 characters or less by employing that abbreviated, internet shorthand garbage, I promise you that my corpse will rise out of the grave as Zombie-KZ, and with whatever portion that’s left of my departed consciousness, I will hunt you down and punch you in the fucking face.

Like I said, I’m just a cantankerous old crank. The world is full of things that I love to hate, and thank God for that.

Posted by KZ on 09/03/10

Just a while ago, a community outreach program in my resident city gathered a bunch of volunteers to paint over the graffiti in my neighborhood. The neighborhood was a better place for it, but I have to admit that I was little sad to say goodbye to the muralistic masterpiece behind my apartment building, which will forever be hailed in the annals of awesomeness as the “VNG, Fack You, Thug Life” wall. Nothing gold can stay, am I right? Ponyboy knows what I’m talking about.

For nearly one whole week, the wall behind my apartment building stared out defiantly at all those punk kids with its clean, untarnished surface. It was gray, and dark, and severe, but hell, at least it was clean. That was a good week.

By the following week, some hardcore, schoolyard gangster decided that enough was enough, and so he cut second period and most of recess in order to spray up the neighborhood walls. I came home from work that afternoon to find that the recently reformed “VNG, Fack You, Thug Life” wall was now the “S … s … SC” wall.

Isn’t that one of the saddest things you’ve ever seen? Either the person responsible for this tagging has no confidence in his penmanship, or else he just has a huge stuttering problem, and he’s using this public medium as a forum for catharsis.

Fail, motherfucker. You fail hard. You’re not fooling anybody with those fancy manuscript lines running down the completed “SC”. I still see your rough drafts on the left, you stupid amateur shit.

I might have forgiven the kid’s attempt to advertise his dubious gang affiliation with criminals whom he’s probably never met, but only if his graffiti had been the slightest bit impressive. In light of the genius that was once the “VNG, Fack You, Thug Life” wall, I’m offended that I have to look at this half-assed garbage every day.

Fail, motherfucker.

F … f … FAIL.

Posted by KZ on 04/05/10

In response to my super lengthy complaint letter to Six Flags Magic Mountain, I received the following letter from the park’s Senior Guest Relations Supervisor:

Dear Kevin,

Thank you for taking the time to forward your comments about the Ride Lockers and our Loose Article Policy.

Six Flags has identified several rides at each park where riders bringing loose articles onto the ride platform was slowing down the dispatch times significantly and making the ride wait times longer. At some of these rides, we have installed short-term lockers for the storage of articles. In an effort to increase capacity and shorten wait times, we are not allowing any items that can not be secured in a pocket to be brought onto the ride dock of these rides. Riders may choose to rent a locker, to leave the items with a non-rider, or place the items in their personal vehicle. We have tried to communicate this message to our Guests with signage, personnel stationed at the entrance to the rides, as well as updated text in the Park Map & Guide, and on our website.

Your letter gave us very valuable insight to your experience at the park regarding this policy. I want to assure you that I have forwarded your letter to our Senior Park Managment.

We hope you understand our only intent here is to minimize wait times for everyone. Again, we thank you for your comments, and hope to see you in one of our Park’s again soon. If you have any questions do not hesitate to contact me directly.

Sincerely,

Mr. B., Six Flags Magic Mountain Guest Relations

I do appreciate that Mr. B. took the time to write me back, but his letter reads more like an automated form letter than a thoughtful reply. Forgive my cynicism, but I’m not convinced that Six Flags’ main concern is “wait times”. If that were truly the only motivation for these temporary-use lockers, then why not make them free? Aside from that, I reject the premise that these lockers actually make the lines move faster. These locker checkpoints cause plenty of delay all on their own. Just because the bottleneck occurs somewhere other than the boarding platform, that doesn’t mean the line delay has magically disappeared.

Mr. B. also failed to address my complaint about the abusive manner in which the corporate Loose Articles Policy was being enforced. Was it absolutely necessary, for example, for the employee working on the Scream ride to throw away my souvenir cup? I guess corporate policy mandates that all employees act like absolute dicks, right?

I should also point out that some friends of mine recently visited Six Flags Discovery Kingdom in Vallejo, California. The locker policy is being strictly enforced there as well, which means that this bullshit is not exclusive to just the Valencia branch.

I’m done with Six Flags. I encourage everybody who reads this to think twice before patronizing your local Six Flags park. Every theme park shamelessly gouges you, but Six Flags is willing to stoop lower than most others out there. When your company values quick, ill-gotten revenue over customer satisfaction, then you don’t understand the first thing about making money, and you don’t deserve to stay in business. That’s not to say that I expect Six Flags to miss me very much, but I assure you the feeling is mutual.

Posted by KZ on 09/11/09

Mr. B.,

My name is Kevin Zing, and I live in the San Francisco Bay Area. My girlfriend and I went to a lot of trouble on the weekend of August 15, 2009 to drive down to Valencia to visit Magic Mountain. A one-way car trip takes a little under five hours from where we live. Given the amount of time and money that we invested into the trip, we were disappointed that our time spent in your park was characterized more by frustrating, unpleasant confrontations, than by fun and entertainment. I personally was greatly disappointed by the overall level of customer service and care offered at your park throughout the day. Mainly, I take issue with your park’s “loose articles” policy.

The ”Loose Articles” Policy

As I understand it, you have a policy that prohibits any and all loose articles from being placed on the boarding platforms of your rides. Loose articles such as backpacks and purses, for example, are technically not allowed anywhere near a roller coaster boarding platform. To “accommodate” guests who are carrying loose articles, you provide temporary storage lockers in front of most of your major rides and charge a $1 fee at each location. Alternatively, you provide locker storage space near the main entrance of the park for $11. I wouldn’t object to the locker prices if their use was voluntary, but I resent the fact that use of these lockers is mandatory for all loose articles, even including items such as your refillable souvenir soda cups, and shopping bags from your own gift shops.

Summary of Events

My girlfriend and I were confronted numerous times by park employees for merely walking through a line for a roller coaster with a gift bag and a souvenir cup in our hands. We were told time and again to either stow away our belongings in a $1 locker, or to get out of line. When we asked your employees why they wouldn’t allow us to simply set our belongings aside near the exit of the ride platform (as is custom practice at every other amusement park we’ve visited), your employees would invariably tell us that they were simply following “corporate policy”. For a while, we gave in and started using the temporary lockers at each ride.

After a while, we decided to save ourselves some hassle by stowing away the gift bag in an $11 locker, but still opted to carry around the souvenir cup. It was a hot day, after all, as it often is in that valley. One of the most upsetting and frustrating confrontations of the day happened shortly afterwards in the line for Scream. As we were nearing the boarding platform, the employee tending to the line asked us to stow away the cup in a locker. It’s frustrating to me that I’m not allowed to carry a drink while waiting in line for a roller coaster in the sweltering heat of Valencia. After some argument with your employee, my girlfriend grabbed the cup and simply placed it on top of the lockers and started to walk away. At this, your employee called out, “Ma’am, if you leave that cup there, then I will throw it away.” Thoroughly frustrated, I told him that I wasn’t paying a dollar to store the cup, and that he should just throw it away. We left the cup behind, and indeed it was nowhere to be seen once our ride was over.

Promptly afterwards, my girlfriend and I made a stop at your guest relations office. It was around 7pm when we decided to do this. At this point, I must mention that the young lady working behind the counter (her name is K) handled our complaint professionally, attentively, and with a much-needed dose of empathy. She listened to what we had to say and acknowledged our frustration. My girlfriend and I both commend K for being great at what she does.

K’s manager, on the other hand, seemed curt and disinterested. He didn’t see anything wrong with the fact that the employee from the Scream ride bluntly threatened us with an ultimatum to either pay a dollar or to have our property thrown away in retaliation for leaving it unattended for 10 minutes. This manager (I regret that I didn’t catch his name) ended the conversation by stating that the only thing we could accomplish that night was to basically issue a formal complaint against any of those rides whose employees did not strictly enforce the locker rule. Naturally, my girlfriend and I declined to complain about not being harassed enough while we stood patiently in your lines. Afterwards, K redeemed your guest relations office by offering us some courtesy and providing us your contact information.

Complaint

Mr. B., I was compelled to write you this letter because I strongly believe that Six Flags’ “loose articles” policy is not only unfair and abusive to your customers, but it also can hurt your company’s profitability in the long run. I know how obnoxious it can be to receive a complaint letter from a presumptuous customer telling you how to run your business, but I ask you to please take note of my arguments and to objectively consider whether operations and policies at your park (or parks) could be improved. My arguments are as follows.

1. Your “loose articles” policy deviates from industry standards in a way that falls well short of the common consumer’s expectations.

Every amusement park out there abides by the same golden rule: “The park is not responsible for any lost, stolen, or damaged property.” At any given amusement park, when I leave my belongings aside while I board a ride, I am fully aware that a stranger could potentially steal my property, and that I would have no legal right to hold the park accountable. In basically every other amusement park that I’ve visited, aside from Magic Mountain, I have been allowed to set my belongings down somewhere near the exit of a boarding platform when it has been my turn to board a ride.

I was both surprised and annoyed to learn that your park prohibits this very common practice. I resent being charged a dollar to stow away my belongings in a temporary-use locker each time I want to board a roller coaster. Yes, I do realize that there are $11 lockers available at the front of the park, but my preference would be to avoid that steep fee. In fact, it would be my preference to avoid all locker fees and to simply be allowed the option to gamble on the goodness of humanity when I leave my property unattended on a boarding platform. When I questioned your employees on why I was not allowed to leave my belongings unattended, I received one of two official answers: (1) “It’s for your own protection”, and (2) “It’s corporate policy”. I find neither answer acceptable.

When the average consumer enters your amusement park, he or she expects to be given a choice on whether to use your storage lockers. As soon as those lockers become a burdensome obligation, the consumer begins to suspect that your organization is deviating from industry practices solely in an effort to gouge your captive audience. I consider myself a cynical consumer with low expectations. When I enter a place of business as a captive audience member (places like amusement parks or movie theaters), I expect to be overcharged for amenities. I don’t balk at $4 bottles of water or $6 hotdogs, because, I know that’s all just part of the game. But being forced to stow away my possessions for every ride is unacceptable, given that most other amusement parks out there allow you to opt for convenience over the safety of $1 lockers at the entrance of every major ride. While it may be safer to lock up your belongings every single time, it sure feels a lot less fun when you’re being told to either pay a dollar, get out of line, or else have your belongings thrown away if you decide to do neither.

Your “Loose Articles” policy kills whatever joy there is to have in your amusement park.

2. Your policy on loose articles discourages customers from spending money inside your park. Generally, the policy can and will lead to a loss of sales.

The whole day, your employees hassled me for carrying around items that I had bought inside the park. I was told to stow away both my shopping bag full of souvenirs, and my refillable souvenir cup. Had I known ahead of time that your merchandise would become such a burden, I would never have bought them in the first place. Given how much grief I received very early on, I decided not to buy anything else aside from food strictly as a matter of principle. My girlfriend and I had intended to visit your park one more time on Sunday before driving back home, but we couldn’t stand the thought of paying your organization any more money than we already had. At the very least, parking would have cost us another $15. We decided instead to drive home first thing Sunday morning.

What frustrates me about my experience in your park is that I suffered abuse due to corporate policies that frankly don’t make any good business sense. What’s the benefit of encouraging your customers to buy souvenirs, only to make them regret doing so for the rest of the day? Your policies discourage people from playing games with large stuffed animals as prizes. Your policies made me regret buying those t-shirts. Your policies made me think twice about buying all of those useless trinkets that I would have brought back to my friends at home. My girlfriend and I had intended to make it a yearly tradition to drive down to Valencia to visit your park. After this miserable experience, our plans to return are indefinitely on hold.

I contrast my experience from last Saturday to my previous visit in 2008, which impressed me so much that I couldn’t wait to come back in 2009. Perhaps it’s not that distressing to you to lose business from an out-of-town tourist like myself, since you have the luxury to rely on a steady stream of local clientele. Please be advised that I spent all Saturday at Magic Mountain with two of my friends who live in Southern California, and they both were not very enthusiastic about returning to the park after everything we went through.

Perhaps your locker policy succeeds in squeezing out some extra revenue from customers in the short run, but your consumers remember things, and we have common sense. When people like me leave your park, we feel ripped off and exploited. You are discouraging people like me from ever patronizing a Six Flags park again. Please step back and view your company policies. Can you truly and objectively say that your organization is on the right track?

3. You are fostering a company culture in which employees think it is okay to issue ultimatums, throw away your customers’ property, and to cite “corporate policy” as an argument-stopper with frustrated customers.

The level of customer service I experienced last Saturday was unsatisfactory. On one hand, I do understand that your employees have an obligation to enforce company policies, even when the rules are not popular with the customers. On the other hand, I didn’t appreciate the authoritarian vibe that all of your workers were sending off.

I didn’t appreciate being issued ultimatums to either pay money or to step out of a line inside a park where I’ve already paid a steep admission fee. I also didn’t appreciate being told that my property was fair game for the garbage can if I refused to stow away my souvenir cup for a fee. Again, I stress the fact that Saturday the 15th was a hot day in Valencia. It’s irritating that I wasn’t allowed to carry my drink with me while I stood in your long lines in the oppressive heat. One of your workers even went so far as to throw away my $14 souvenir cup because I was too cheap to shell out that last dollar for the privilege to ride Scream.

Finally, all but one of your employees failed to offer me any adequate explanation as to why I was not allowed to leave my belongings unattended as I boarded your rides. All day, I heard employees tell me that it was “corporate policy” for all customers to stow away their loose articles. All of your employees merely took it for granted that I would accept that as an adequate explanation. I don’t mean to come off as a snooty customer service know-it-all, but one of the most basic lessons that I learned from my days as a retail clerk is not to tell a customer that something has to be done merely because it is “corporate policy”. It’s a cold, impersonal thing for a company representative to say, and it almost never satisfies a frustrated customer.

To your credit, you have found an able customer service representative in K. According to K’s explanation, in the past, too many customers were accusing Magic Mountain employees of stealing loose articles left on ride platforms, so the company decided to make lockers mandatory on all rides. If what K says is accurate, then I consider your new policy on loose articles to be a massive overcorrection. Regardless, I appreciated her taking the time to explain the policy to me. K’s manager, on the other hand, showed little interest in my concerns and ended the conversation without fully hearing me out. The company policy is what it is, and your manager on duty at guest relations wasn’t interested in fielding complaints about “corporate policy”.

No consumer goes to an amusement park and expects first class customer service, but I was thoroughly disappointed by this kind of treatment.

Conclusion

In short, Mr. B., I feel ripped off. In order to visit your park, I drove 5 hours down from the Bay Area and 5 hours back up to return home. I paid for two nights’ stay at a local hotel, and for two full tanks of gas, and I even bought season passes so that I could visit your park twice in the same weekend visit. I paid your parking fee, and I bought your $14 souvenir cup which all of your drink vendors pushed so hard to sell to me. I even bought some souvenirs from your gift stores. Amid all of that ill-advised spending, I barely had an opportunity to have any fun.

I went well out of my way to visit your park in Valencia, and I left for home unsatisfied. Although the rides at your park are unparalleled in the state, there are cheaper and more local alternatives available to me in Northern California. I probably would have had a much better time at Great America in Santa Clara, for instance, where they don’t hassle you for leaving your stuff aside to ride a two minute roller coaster.

Your policies, and the way that your employees enforce them, suggest a troubling corporate culture in which your organization cynically views customers as dollar signs to be exploited rather than valued guests with common sense. It was my intention to visit Magic Mountain at least once a year. Your policies and your overall approach to customer service, however, have greatly discouraged me from coming back.

I have to wonder whether your policy on loose articles is truly a corporate, nationwide rule for all Six Flags locations, or if it only applies to Magic Mountain in particular. I don’t know whether you have any control or say in the creation and enforcement of corporate policy, but I thought that you ought to know at least what’s happening in your own park.

Thank you sincerely for taking the time to read my letter,
Kevin Zing

Posted by KZ on 08/20/09

I won’t bore you with the many reasons why I believe Fox’s 24 has degenerated over the years from a compelling action drama based on an interesting premise into a cartoon-like, farcical melodrama that parodies itself. No show is perfect. The fact is, for all of its ridiculous faults, I’m still a fan of the show. Jack Bauer shall never be forsaken.

But there is one thing that’s been bothering me for quite a while. What the hell is up with all of the show’s oddly named Asian characters? I’m not even talking about Indian actors like Kal Penn who get cast to play Arab terrorists with names like Ahmed Amar, although I do admit that subject is worth it’s very own “WTF” post. No. I’m talking about dudes from East Asia — guys who look like me — playing characters with the most generic, white bread, Caucasian-sounding names ever.

Here’s a breakdown of what I’ve seen so far.

• Tom Baker
  
  

  Seasons 2 and 3 have the Korean-American actor Daniel Dae Kim playing a CTU agent named Tom Baker. Tom Freaking Baker. What we have here is a bad-ass, federal counter-terrorist agent who is handy with a gun, invaluable during a rescue operation, and whose idea of a perfect meal is kimchi, bulgogi, and slices of baguettes and marzipan cakes. Seriously, 24 writers, how can you be this freaking lazy? Baker was a major minor player in the earlier seasons of 24. Daniel Dae Kim racked up a decent amount of face time during his stint on the show. Why would you disservice the guy by giving his character a name that very blatantly does not fit his profile?

  In all likelihood, the writers of 24 probably give all of their minor characters generic names, and then subsequently leave the rest up to casting directors. Once in a while, an Asian guy will audition for a part and land the role, and then he’ll get stuck with some goofy, All-American name like Tom Freaking Baker. Would it have killed somebody on the writing staff to adjust the character name to sound at least vaguely Asian once Daniel Dae Kim was cast for the role? I’m willing to suspend my disbelief when Jack Bauer kills off an entire squadron of rifle-toting goons with nothing more than a pistol, but I have a hard time taking a Korean guy seriously with a name like Tom Baker.

• Agent McCallan
  
  

  In Season 4, actor Vic Chao plays a minor supporting role as a CTU agent mysteriously named Agent McCallan. McCallan is your generic CTU field agent who chases terrorists as a member of a mobile tactical SWAT team. He will occasionally sound off on the team radio to give status updates to Assistant Field Director Curtis Manning, or to resident bad-ass Jack Bauer. I must confess, I’m not certain about Vic Chao’s ethnic origin, but he doesn’t look a damn bit Scottish to me. Is this 24‘s way of adding depth to an otherwise forgettable character? This is a man of Asian descent who bravely fights terrorism as an agent of the federal government — and, oh yeah: his Asian parents divorced when he was nine, and his mother later remarried a white guy named Arthur McCallan, who was kind enough to adopt our brave Agent McCallan when he was but a child. I mean, really … Agent McCallan? Why not name the guy Joe Everyman?

• Mark Dornan
  
  

  In Season 7, Vic Chao returns to the cast of 24 as FBI agent Mark Dornan. Mark Dornan is a stone faced Fed in a suit who sits in on tactical FBI meetings led by Larry Moss, and who will occasionally utter the obligatory, plot-advancing line of exposition. Frankly, this character amounts to nothing more than window dressing. There are tons of actors filling in as nameless office drones on the show, and the fans get along just fine without learning each of their names. I find it odd that Mark Dornan has a name at all. I find it doubly odd that Vic Chao has now played two characters on 24 with generic white guy names. Would it have been so hard to make a last minute script change to rename the character Mark Chao? Did Jack Bauer beat the yellow out of this guy or what?

• Ranger Thompson
  
  

  This final example from Season 7 had me swearing at the television set in disbelief. Between 7:00pm – 8:00pm in Season 7, we are briefly introduced to a law enforcement officer, played by Chase Kim, who is on camera for no longer than two minutes. He appears out of nowhere to come to the aid of distressed FBI agent Renee Walker, delivers a generic line to advance the plot, and then runs to his patrol car to send out a radio message. “This is Ranger Thompson,” he begins to say, before he is rudely interrupted by a wall of bullets sprayed across his chest. I guess the stakes are higher when characters with names start getting killed. I guess. Ranger Thompson is another one of those characters who could have easily been written out of the show. There was hardly a need to even give the guy a name. But if you’re a writer on 24, and if you’re going to such pains to personalize a doomed redshirt, couldn’t you at least try to give him an appropriate name? There’s a thin line between television production efficiency and a lazy disregard for the details.

In general, American television shows have an annoying tendency to name their Asian characters either Lee, Kim, or Wong. It’s as if those are the only three Asian surnames that Hollywood writers know about. What’s peculiar about 24 is that the writers can’t even be bothered to give their supporting Asian characters stereotypical names, and they cynically slap on any generic, All-American white guy names that suit their fancy. Yes, I’m very much aware that there have been Chinese characters featured on the show with such names as Lee Jong, Koo Yin, or Cheng Zhi. I’m not mad about them. In fact, they baffle me even further, because their existence demonstrates that the writers of 24 realize that not all Asian people out there have names like Chad Smith or Reginald Bernard Caucasianton III.

I’m just saying, you know? I still love you, Jack, but your Asian consorts have a bunch of wack names. Keith Zahn out.

Posted by KZ on 04/03/09

Put simply, I’ve been a little down lately. Life is disconcerting when the authority figures and the so-called “adults” in your life conduct themselves like petty, petulant children.

Posted by KZ on 01/27/09

Frankly, I don’t care how you’re doing. I know the feeling is mutual. Why does every conversation have to begin with the inane ritual of each party asking the other how they are doing? It’s a question that we ask to establish some phony sense of rapport, but we all know it’s meaningless and basically unnecessary. It exists on the same plane of usefulness as saying “God bless you” to somebody after a sneeze. We don’t acknowledge any other unpleasant bodily functions with a genuflection and a shout-out to God, so what gives? But I digress.

After somebody has asked you how you are doing, most social contexts demand that, in the name of common courtesy, you keep your replies bright and pleasant. “I’m doing well, thank you. How are you this glorious day?” And the circle of disingenuous empathy fulfills itself and winds around for another spin.

“Oh, I’m doing great, actually. My wife and I just got back from the park.” At this point in the conversation, you begin thinking to yourself: Dear God, I didn’t actually mean it when I showed an interest in your day. “The park is beautiful this time of year, believe it or not. It’s a little cold, but the kids loved it. So did the dog.” Fuck your dog.

And that’s the unfortunate truth. The vast majority of us couldn’t be arsed about each others’ day. To be sure, there’s still room in our calloused, preoccupied hearts for human empathy, but we reserve that valuable human capital for important things like mass shootouts, natural disasters, and global famine.

So go ahead. I dare you to ask me how I’m doing today. I’ll probably reply with something polite and chipper, but I’ll secretly be memorizing your facial features for the flammable effigy I’m making of you back at home. That’s how I roll.

Posted by KZ on 01/09/09

All I really have to say this Christmas is this: Santa Claus is a dick. As you may already know, I believe that the story of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer strikes the wrong tone for the holidays, and it sends entirely the wrong message. The Rankin/Bass animated Christmas special based on that story doesn’t fare much better, either.

Don’t believe me? I invite you to see for yourself below. This is an old video, but it’s still funny, and forever relevant. Watch your ass, Santa. You are officially on my list.

Posted by KZ on 12/25/08

Guest Contribution by Zhenia Reprincev

Heroes is back, and with a vengeance!  The new storyline will be riveting, the action scenes thick with excitement, and more villains galore!

‘Tis the release of Season Three: VILLAINS!

The TV show “Heroes” is perhaps one of the most widely-known programs on national television, especially after its sharp rise to popularity from its first season on the air.  The show’s writers carefully and creatively integrated the supernatural element of comic book stories to “real life” characters, effectively making the show appealing to a wide demographic.  At first, Heroes seemed like some sort of X-Men rip-off, but with each episode, the story lines became more and more interesting, due to the nature of each character and how they acquired and used their “abilities,” another word for special powers.

The excitement and originality, however, would only last for a short period of time.  Season one was fairly entertaining and season two felt lacking in comparison.  The infamous writer’s strike earlier this year fortunately brought the ailing second season to a close.  Almost immediately, it was announced that season three was in the works, and the show’s creators promised it to be “bigger, badder, and worth the wait.”  Unfortunately, this turned out to be far from the case.  Perhaps the writers were pissed, because Sylar stole their brains, based on the material that appeared so far this season.

Currently, Heroes is almost halfway into its third season, and with its highly erratic and incoherent plot, it is evident there either may have been a change in writers or the same writers are writing ridiculous material on purpose to see if ratings are affected.  It is highly likely the show’s creators allowed a class of third graders to write the Heroes script, all separately, then taking each submitted script, random episodes had been strewn together.  I mean, nothing makes sense anymore, even though there seems to be some sort of suspenseful moment at the conclusion of each episode.

Do you not believe me?  Here are ten legitimate reasons Heroes season three fails at almost every level (and I am sure there are many more):

1. Sylar’s Sudden Change of Heart

Season one’s main antagonist was a super-powered serial killer named Gabriel Gray, who took on the name Sylar after discovering his potential for acquiring other people’s powers.  He figures out a way to obtain new abilities by slicing the skull off of the top of his victims’ heads to study their brains.  We later figure out that Sylar’s killing spree had been triggered by an insatiable hunger for power consumption, all linked to his innate ability of intuitive aptitude (the ability that allows its possessor to understand how things work).  Essentially, he could find out how people with abilities “worked,” which allowed him to steal their power after exposing their brain and studying it (of course, by doing this, he would kill each victim, the only exception being Claire, due to her invulnerability).

Now, as season three began its course, the creators created a convoluted story, making the viewers feel sorry for Sylar, for he had been a victim of his “hunger,“ forcing him to kill against his will.  In an episode that took the viewers into the past, we saw Sylar attempt to hang himself due to his guilt over killing his first victim.  Additionally, in an episode that took the viewers into the future, we see Sylar with full control over his ability, as he essentially curbed his hunger for power consumption, showing viewers that he had, in fact, become “good.”  He even had a son, named Noah (presumably after Noah Bennet, the man, who during the whole course of the show, hunted Sylar), whom he cited as being partially responsible for suppressing his homicidal tendencies.  During many of the episodes of season three, Sylar was seen fighting his “hunger” and tried very hard to be a “different person” on his road to redemption.

All changed when the eleventh episode of season three aired, effectively rendering the creators’ work to shape the “repentant” Sylar character completely and utterly worthless.  He immediately reverted back to his homicidal self, cited his good behavior as “just temporary,” and began killing innocent victims all over again.

2. Timeline Inconsistencies

Sometimes, aired Heroes episodes take place during a different timeline than the regular course of the show.  For instance, characters will be warped to some unknown time into the future or past.  During “future” episodes, viewers are introduced to a grim future (usually five years into the future), and expect the protagonists in the show to go back in time to keep that particular catastrophe from happening.  Naturally, there will be future versions of the show’s characters without any correlation to their present selves at all, making some viewers realize, “Um, why was that stupid ass episode aired?”  It makes no sense.“  I mean, Claire somehow bears some particular hatred for Peter?  Sylar has a child named Noah?  Then there is also Matt Parkman.  It seems every future version of himself somehow gets caught up taking some stupid ass side for some stupid ass reason.  In fact, the only similarity between present-day Parkman and future Parkman is he is still the same idiot.  The ”past“ episodes are even more ludicrous.  During a recent episode, Claire goes back to visit herself as a baby and runs into her adoptive parents who have no idea who she is, but she ends up talking to them, briefly taking care of herself and giving her parents omens and warnings of the future.  Wouldn’t the present versions of the characters realize, “Hey, I remember when you came back to the past!” ?

Besides, the whole idea of going back to the past could never happen.  Think of the Terminator movies, assuming that robots and time machines actually exist.  If John Connor made it to the future alive, there is no way he could have been killed in the past.  The only time I had seen a well thought out journey to the past through film and TV was when I watched the Darren Aronofsky movie The Fountain.  Go see it if you have not.

Some movies and shows treat going to the past as if the past timeline was moving at the same time as the present one.  For examples, see movies such as Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure (don’t ask me how Keanu Reeves still gets work) and the mid-80s sci-fi B-movie Trancers.  In Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, for instance, the duo “hurried” back home to deliver their presentation, although it would not occur, time-wise, for 100 years.

Heroes does not even take this angle, which makes the already unrealistic show even more unrealistic and sophomoric.

Here is another part, too.  Sylar and Peter apparently became brothers during season three (which was later proven false), although when Peter went to the future, Sylar was still under the impression they were brothers.  So, Sylar and/or Peter could not have found out the truth over five years?  And Sylar had not reverted to his “evil” self?

3. Sylar Petrelli!  I mean…just kidding!

Another way creators/writers try to add spice to their show is to somehow make people who you would never think are related…related (a good example was when Dexter, from the eponymous ‘Dexter,’ finds out the serial killer from the first season was his older brother).  The big “shocker” this season (oooooooo) was when viewers discovered Sylar was Angela and Arthur Petrelli’s son, effectively making him Peter and Nathan’s brother.  This “fact,” of course, proved to be false, as it was retracted several episodes later.  So, here I am again…dumbfounded.  It reminded me of 24’s season six, a sinking ship from the beginning, when the writers said amongst themselves, literally, “The ratings are down this year?  The viewers say we are running out of material?  Oh, screw that…we are making that geek from season five, you know, the bad guy with the Bluetooth…yeah, we’re making him, umm…Jack’s brother!  Oh wait, the show still sucks?  Okay, let’s make the real bad guy his daddy!”  It had been an attempt to save the season (and perhaps the show), but it was executed so poorly.  Given that Heroes did the exact same thing, then retracted it, their execution was even worse.

I could see the writers fighting amongst themselves.  “Who’s freakin’ idea was that?!  I am changing it back to the way it was, bastards!”

4. Arthur Petrelli Pulls A Jesus

Here is another “thrilling” element.  Arthur Petrelli, known to be dead throughout the whole series, suddenly came back to life in season three.  The creators desperately tried to find some reason to bring him back from the dead by airing an episode in the past that showed him being poisoned, but not entirely killed.  He became the main antagonist of the show with the ability to absorb others’ abilities, leaving them dry without power, to take for his own.  This whole plan of his abruptly ended when he was killed off during the last aired episode, but who knows…he may come back to life again!

Since I am also on the topic of inconsistencies, the actor portraying Arthur Petrelli looks nothing like his counterpart on the “group of twelve who founded the Company” photo (see photos below), which means the writers were incredibly desperate to find another villain.  They would have been significantly more successful introducing someone new with a very interesting, preferably disturbing, background.

If you can see what I mean:

Arthur Petrelli

“Arthur Petrelli”

5. Isaac’s Posthumous Paintings Are Back…Again.

In season one, Sylar killed off one of the main recurring characters, a precognitive painter named Isaac Mendez, in order to steal his ability.  Ever since his death, many “posthumous” paintings of his have shown up with some sort of omen attached to them.  Although I understand that idea may work the first couple of times, the writers reuse this concept so often in season three, it is just annoying, not to mention, completely unoriginal.  I mean, how come the characters of the show did not discover these, you know…earlier?  No matter how good the show’s writers think they are…how do you explain the circumstances concerning his paintings that just keep popping all over the place?  Additionally, it just so happens during each episode the paintings and/or comic books they find of his happen to be relevant to the current story line.  During a recent episode, a comic book store possesses all of the “9th Wonder” comic books that were previously undiscovered by any of the main characters.  The show is already unrealistic enough…

The writers could have at least created a new precognitive painter, like the African man, and implied that he/she was painting them.  I mean, seriously…Isaac is releasing more posthumous material than 2Pac ever did.

6. Sylar Loses His Abilities

Viewers reluctantly watch as Sylar regained his abiities at the conclusion of season two.  Or did he?  After the numerous abilities he gained through season one, including telekinesis, freezing, telepathy, melting, enhanced hearing, and radioactivity, the only ability he retained after losing all of them during season two (after taking some sort of antidote) was telekinesis.  Is there any explanation for this?

7. Sylar Has Peter’s Ability?  Yeah, But Screw It.  Killing Is Fun.

Here is how badly this idea was executed.  First of all, it is revealed that Sylar had Peter’s “empathic” ability all along, allowing him to obtain the powers of others without actually having to kill them, essentially revealing that Sylar’s “knowing how things work” ability was just all demented and messed up to begin with.  During the season, Sylar’s reason for killing was to obtain others’ abilities…so if he was in fact “good,” then why did he not continue to take abilities using empathy?  Sylar used his empathic ability once, when he obtained Elle’s lightning.  After this whole new discovery, however, Sylar went back to his old ways anyway, first killing a pretty lady to take her lie detection ability, then killing Elle later…for fun?

8. The Solar Eclipse

The “solar eclipse” seems to be a very important element of the television series.  I mean, the O from the “HEROES” title is represented by a small picture of a solar eclipse.  During the third season, Arthur Petrelli foretells the coming of the eclipse with a drawing.  So, then a two-part episode is released, called “The Eclipse.”  Finally, three seasons later, an explanation!

Prepare to be disappointed, because here is what happened:

The eclipse lasted for less than fifteen minutes and all it did was prevent people with abilities from using them, and then – hey – they got their same abilities right back.  Viewers waited two and a half years for that?!

9. The Niki Sanders / Tracy Sanders Snafu

Heroes also is lucky enough to suffer from the greedy actor/actress syndrome.  You know, when an actor or actress from the show determines that their salary of “only” $200,000 per episode is not enough, so they back out unless they get a raise.  The show’s executive team then proceeds to tell the respective actor/actress to screw off and find work elsewhere, until hey!  There is no work!  So they come back, of course…to find their character is killed off.

Or is it?

Niki Sanders (played by Ali Larter) made an entrance from the beginning of the series as a schizophrenic woman, whose alternate personality “Jessica” possessed enhanced strength (and proportionately enhanced insanity).  At the conclusion of season two, she became trapped in a burning building and subsequently died in the ensuing explosion.  Miraculously, in season three, she came back…but as a different girl named Tracy, a woman “mysteriously“ an exact copy of Niki.  This character appeared out of absolute nowhere, completely oblivious to the fact that someone who looked exactly like her lived in the same area and nobody ever knew.  Seriously, where did she come from?

It is discovered she was in fact Niki’s sister who had been genetically enhanced at birth, giving her a freezing power, unlike her sister, who got enhanced strength.  The whole premise of Niki and Tracy becoming separated at birth,  and the explanation for their different abilities…still remains a mystery.  What I am thinking here is the writers killed her off due to her contract ending (with no desire to renew), until she finally renewed the contract after her character had indeed been killed off.  What a crap idea that was.

10. The Catalyst

May I ask what the Hell is the catalyst and where did it come from?  For those of you who do not know, the catalyst was that glowing essence that apparently was needed to bond the ions for the formula (the substance that grants people abilities) together in order for it to be usable.  I do not understand exactly why it was introduced into the story line, but the whole idea of it was very poor and was equally poorly executed.

Posted by Zhenia Reprincev on 12/18/08

Every November on Thanksgiving Day, misty-eyed Americans reflect on all of the reasons that they have to be thankful for being alive. Sometimes on days like today, I feel a little guilty giving thanks for everything that’s going right in my little corner of the world when there is so much human suffering to be found everywhere else. Mumbai especially comes to mind for me on this Thanksgiving day.

So instead of subjecting you to a trivial, self-indulgent list of things that make me happy, why I don’t I just bitch a while about trivial things that piss me off? Somehow, I think, this kind of exercise strikes closer to the heart of things.

Here is my list of petty grievances, organized in no particular order.

• The misuse of Amber Alert signs, utilized for the purpose of breaking people’s balls. The Amber Alert Program was enacted in 2002, enabling law enforcement agencies to quickly disseminate information about time-critical child abduction cases. Many Amber Alert signs have been erected near highways all over the United States.

  


  

  When used properly, these signs display critical information about kidnapped children and their suspected abductors. More often than not, however, these signs display public service slogans designed to nag you and to remind you of your duties as a responsible driver. During most major holidays, the signs command you to “Report Drunk Drivers – Call 911″. Every Fourth of July or Cinco de Mayo, the signs remind you that “Fireworks Are Illegal”. And on ordinary days, the signs pester you with “Click It Or Ticket” or “Don’t Speed – Save Lives”. Just once, couldn’t the people controlling those signs either post something positive or festive like “Happy Holidays”, or just turn off the damned signs? And don’t even get me started on the Schwarzenegger administration’s proposal to post advertisements on Amber Alert signs to generate revenue for the state of California.




• Dim traffic signal lights with bad visibility from varying ranges. While we’re on the subject of driving, I hate those traffic signal lights covered with glossy lenses that make the entire strip of lights appear to be shut off until you drive within a certain proximity of a traffic intersection. I tried to do some research online before writing about these lights, but I came up with nothing. I don’t have an official term for the offending lights, and I don’t understand the science behind the lenses, but what I do know is that they are ridiculous hazards.

  Most traffic signal lights in the United States are bright and visible, day or night, from any reasonable distance or angle. But there is an obnoxious handful of traffic signal lights on the road that are equipped with these terrible glossy lenses that make all of the colors look dim, and you don’t know whether you should stop or drive through until you’ve almost entered the intersection. “Stop” and “Go” are two concepts that should not be equivocated so easily.

  


• Crowd participation. There’s nothing I hate more about attending a live musical performance than being pressured into clapping along with a beat. I’m not trying to crap on the value of shared experiences, but I’m sorry: crowd participation is bullshit. I didn’t leave my house to act as a ghetto metronome; I’m here to be entertained. Clapping along with a song is tedious, and pretty much every crowd grows tired of the game midway through any song. I predict that shit and roll my eyes every time audiences start it up, and I’m always right. I clap my hands only when I believe that I’ve been given a reason to.




• Gratuitous live, on-location reporting by television news journalists. The news is a highly time-sensitive subject. It makes sense that so many TV news journalists report live from remote locations, because sometimes you don’t have all of the facts until just a few minutes before you go on the air. What I find irritating, though, is the culture of television journalism that emphasizes the importance of reporting live and on the scene at all possible times, even when it’s not relevant to do so. In my television-viewing lifetime, I have witnessed such bullshit as a local news correspondent reporting live and on the scene at 11 o’clock at night from some vacant, outdoor venue where an important event happened twenty years ago. I don’t understand this phobia that news agencies have of allowing their correspondents to comment on recorded images while they sit comfortably in the broadcasting studio.


Problems with audio/visual feeds and disruptions by obnoxious bystanders would greatly reduce if these TV professionals would just broadcast from behind a desk more often.




• Astrology. It’s difficult to understand how so many intelligent people can buy into the concept that objects in outer space have a direct effect on the personalities and behaviors of human beings. We’re talking about objects occupying space hundreds of millions of miles away from Earth. How the hell does the alignment of planets have any impact on my development as a person? If you believe that the positioning of planets at the moment of my birth is an indicator of what’s to come throughout my adulthood, then I contend that the arbitrary positioning of objects on Earth at the moment of my birth also plays a significant role on who I will become.

  I think it bears mentioning that when I was born, my father’s Buick Regal was parked 58 meters away from the hospital entrance. It is because of this fortuitous positioning of my father’s car that I will be a generous person with a sunny demeanor and a strong propensity for juggling, ventriloquism, and taxidermy. Had my father parked 57 meters away from the hospital entrance, I would have been a surly, cranky asshole who hates everything and everybody. I really dodged the proverbial spooky-superstitious-matter-and-space-altering-cosmical-tarot-death-card-Scorpiquarius-Year-of-the-Rat-Gemini’s-Twin-Little-Dipper bullet. Thank Zeus! I mean, I don’t believe in anything else that came out of Greek mythology, but I inexplicably accept this dubious correlation between celestial bodies and human bodies.




• DVD commentary banter containing spoiler alerts. I’m a special features geek. I watch a fair amount of television shows and movies on DVD, and I almost always make time to listen to the commentary tracks. The one conversation that I’m tired of listening to is the one that seems to pop up in every commentary track ever recorded. Invariably, somebody on the commentary track wants to talk about a plot point that will be revealed either later in the movie or later in the episode, but they voice their hesitation since they don’t want to spoil the surprise for the viewer. Eventually, somebody else in the recording booth asks, “Who buys a DVD and goes straight to the commentary track without watching the original content?” Then the commentators have a good laugh over this nugget of insight and carry on as though they were the first people to ever have this conversation. There goes another two minutes of wasted commentary time. That’s two minutes’ worth of lost revelations.

  I realize that DVD commentary tracks are inherently a waste of time, but the least that these Hollywood professionals can do is have the courtesy to get a freaking clue about their own industry before they waste my time with this moronic running gag in their commentary tracks.

  


• Birds that swoop low to the ground when they’re flying across a street. Fuck birds. They can fly while the rest of us can’t, and yet they always swoop down into harm’s way in front of my moving car when they want to cross a street. I’ve nearly crashed into a couple of them in my time. Look, birds: the whole point of flying is being able to crap on us land dwellers’ heads all the while you stay out of our reach. If you birds are going to squander your ability with these daredevil antics, then you deserve whatever misfortune becomes of you when you’re not looking.

On this Thanksgiving Day of 2008, I give thanks for all of these petty grievances. They keep me irritated, they keep me human, and counter-intuitively, they probably keep me sane. Seriously though, fuck birds.

Posted by KZ on 11/27/08