Bottled Water Blurbs

February 5, 2013 (Tue)



30 Minus 2 Days of Writing (2013)
Day 5: “You better put out”

Something has always bothered me about the labeling on certain brands of bottled water. A number of water bottles proudly proclaim right on the label, “This is a low sodium beverage”. Low sodium, huh? No shit. I’m glad somebody finally set the record straight. Now I can stop drinking cans of chicken broth to hydrate myself.

At first glance, it might seem silly that bottled water companies would go to the trouble of advertising this obvious “product feature”. But the more you think about it, the more you realize just how ingenious the strategy really is. The world is a dangerous and scary place, and consumers respond positively to assurances that a product is slightly less harmful than they might have feared. Somebody should give me a marketing job in the bottled water industry, because I have tons of good ideas to put consumers’ minds at ease. Do you want an example of an effective label blurb for a bottle of water? It’s all about telling the consumer what’s not contained in your product. Check this out.

  • This product contains no additives, contaminants, or artificial anything.
  • This product contains no BPA.
  • This product will never ask you for money, and then forget to pay you back.
  • This product will never tell you that your sister is hot.
  • This product will never push your mother down the stairs and then blame her fall on “That damn dog who is always running underfoot”.
  • This product’s never gonna give you up.
  • Never gonna let you down.
  • This product will never Rick Roll you.
  • This product will never drunk dial you at 3 A.M. on a Wednesday night.
  • This product is not a war criminal.
  • This product will never groan on the first date when you order an expensive dish off the menu, and then mutter under its breath, “You better put out”.
  • This product contains little to no sodium. But you already knew that, because it’s a freaking bottle of water.
  • That blurb was a freebie. You’re welcome, water companies. Give me a call when you have a vacancy in Marketing.

    30 Minus 2 Days of Writing (2013)
    A painful exercise in forced inspiration brought to you by
    We Work for Cheese


    1. P.J.          
      February 5, 2013 at 9:40 pm Reply

      I would so buy that water if I saw that label on there!

      • KZ          
        February 5, 2013 at 11:50 pm Reply

        Sadly, I think I would too. Does that make me a narcissist, or just a sucker for sarcasm?

    2. Mariann          
      February 5, 2013 at 10:27 pm Reply

      So...uh...I've been duped buying this "Dead Sea Water" that they put in the pretty bottle?

      That's what I get for not reading the sodium content on the label, I guess.

      • KZ          
        February 5, 2013 at 11:53 pm Reply

        Always read the labels! Especially on water bottles. You never know when you might pick up that new dysentery flavored sports water.

    3. Nicky          
      February 6, 2013 at 3:16 am Reply

      I'm a marketing manager. I would SO buy that bottle of water. Damn you KZ! ;-)

    4. Indigo Roth          
      February 6, 2013 at 3:33 am Reply

      Hey KZ! My favourite is an implicit one they already do. In the advertising, they trumpet the "natural spring water, filtered and enriched with natural minerals for millions of years!" Yet still it's BEST BEFORE: JULY. Indigo

      • KZ          
        February 10, 2013 at 12:03 am Reply

        Hah! That sounds like a boatload of shenanigans right there.

    5. Ziva          
      February 6, 2013 at 10:23 am Reply

      I loved these, KZ! Absolutely hilarious. I'd pretty much buy anything that was guaranteed not to tell me my sister is hot.

      • KZ          
        February 10, 2013 at 12:06 am Reply

        I think nobody in the history of anything ever has ever truly enjoyed being told that their sister is hot. It makes men feel weird to hear that somebody is lusting after their sister. As for women, being told that your sister is hot is likely to dredge up all kinds of insecurity issues. Anyhow, thanks for the encouragement!

    6. February 8, 2017 at 8:09 am Reply

      Assalamu allikumBrother i would want to download the Arabic nursery alphabetic rhyme. Can you let me know how i can do it. insha Allah i should be online over gtalk/msn at

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