KZ Writes Good
The internet is a huge bathroom wall, and any halfwit with a keyboard and a connection has an opportunity to scrawl on it. Take me, for instance. My name is KZ. For a good time, come find me at Prosaic Shades of Gray.
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Bottled Water Blurbs
Something has always bothered me about the labeling on certain brands of bottled water. A number of water bottles proudly proclaim right on the label, “This is a low sodium beverage”. Low sodium, huh? No shit. I’m glad somebody finally set the record straight. Now I can stop drinking cans of chicken broth to hydrate myself.
At first glance, it might seem silly that bottled water companies would go to the trouble of advertising this obvious “product feature”. But the more you think about it, the more you realize just how ingenious the strategy really is. The world is a dangerous and scary place, and consumers respond positively to assurances that a product is slightly less harmful than they might have feared. Somebody should give me a marketing job in the bottled water industry, because I have tons of good ideas to put consumers’ minds at ease. Do you want an example of an effective label blurb for a bottle of water? It’s all about telling the consumer what’s not contained in your product. Check this out.
This product contains no additives, contaminants, or artificial anything. This product contains no BPA. This product will never ask you for money, and then forget to pay you back. This product will never tell you that your sister is hot. This product will never push your mother down the stairs and then blame her fall on “That damn dog who is always running underfoot”. This product’s never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. This product will never Rick Roll you. This product will never drunk dial you at 3 A.M. on a Wednesday night. This product is not a war criminal. This product will never groan on the first date when you order an expensive dish off the menu, and then mutter under its breath, “You better put out”. This product contains little to no sodium. But you already knew that, because it’s a freaking bottle of water.
That blurb was a freebie. You’re welcome, water companies. Give me a call when you have a vacancy in Marketing.
30 Minus 2 Days of Writing (2013)
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