All I really have to say this Christmas is this: Santa Claus is a dick. As you may already know, I believe that the story of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer strikes the wrong tone for the holidays, and it sends entirely the wrong message. The Rankin/Bass animated Christmas special based on that story doesn’t fare much better, either.

Don’t believe me? I invite you to see for yourself below. This is an old video, but it’s still funny, and forever relevant. Watch your ass, Santa. You are officially on my list.

Posted by KZ on 12/25/08

During the summer of 2008, my good friends, Josh and Sarah, got married in Hawaii amongst an intimate gathering of immediate family. They renewed their vows in late December with a beautiful, romantic, slightly belated wedding reception. I was one of two Best Men to speak that night.

While common wisdom would suggest that the best way to deliver a toast is to speak extemporaneously and directly from the heart, I took the exact opposite approach and drafted a script that I intended to memorize and deliver. I was so honored that Josh had entrusted me to say something meaningful and to help set the right tone for the night. I prepared as much as I could in order to reciprocate that honor to Josh.

Being one of the Best Men at Josh’s wedding was an experience that I will always remember with great fondness. I’m so glad I was a Best Man at least once in my life, but once is frankly enough. I was a nervous wreck two weeks prior to the wedding reception. I’m a writer, not a an orator.

Special props go out to the other Best Man, Carlos Oliveira, for his support and encouragement while I was on the brink of hyperventilation during the minutes leading up to my speech. I’d also like to mention Conrado Oliveira, who started clapping and chanting “KZ” to help me through that awkward pause when I forgot my next line. This act came from a place of love, and I won’t soon forget it. Special thanks go out to Tommy for heckling me from the guest tables as I was setting up one of my jokes. It’s all love, Tommy, I know. Wiseguy. Finally, thank you to my wonderful girlfriend, Diana, whom I love deeply, and whose loving support gave me the courage to believe that I could do the speech my way, and succeed in doing so.

If you’ll please forgive me this indulgence, I have posted below the original script of my Best Man’s speech.

The Other Best Man – by KZ

Believe it or not, ladies and gentlemen, I am the other Best Man. We’re kind of doing the People Magazine thing where they name the sexiest man alive every year, but oddly enough, every year it’s always a different dude. It kind of cheapens the honor, don’t you think? Well, whatever, there’s two best men now, and one indecisive groom. The way Josh explained it to us, he couldn’t decide between me or Carlos, so he decided to honor us both as his Best Men. That’s a cute explanation, but if you really want to know the truth, I just think Josh has problems with commitment.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re sitting there in your chair, folding your arms and thinking to yourself, “Oi! How can you say such a terrible thing at the bloke’s wedding reception?” First of all, please drop the terrible cockney English accent because it is not working for you. But secondly, relax. I emailed this very speech to Josh this afternoon at 2 PM. I assume since he never got back to me with a reply or a complaint, that everything I’m doing up here is fully sanctioned by Josh.

Having said that, I would like to read a poem I wrote specifically for this occasion. I wasn’t sure whether I should read this poem tonight. I’ll try to keep it short, but it’s about seven…seven…seventeen pages long. But again, Josh gave me his “silent OK”, so anything goes. Four letter words and all. And…it’s in my other tux. Thank you very much Diana for reminding me on the way out of the house today. Let’s give her a round of applause, ladies and gentlemen. She has ruined my entire speech.

At this point, Josh probably hates me, and he’s regretting that he ever asked me to come up here and say something nice about him.

Truth be told, Josh and I have known each other for twenty years now, and we have never been able to get rid of each other. We met at the age of seven at Five Wounds Elementary School. Then we went on to Bellarmine College Prep for high school. Then finally, for undergrad, we both ended up going to Santa Clara University. We’ve remained friends long after graduation. For twenty years, I’ve had the privilege of calling Josh my friend. And for the past four years, I’ve had the delight of getting to know Sarah, and I now consider her one of my closest friends. It makes my heart sing to know that these two have found so much happiness together. After twenty years of friendship, I am proud to witness these moments, the time in my good friend’s life when he starts a new life with his wonderful bride. Josh has gotten married before I have, by the way, and my girlfriend Diana won’t let me hear the end of it. “Oi! Josh and Sarah did it. When are you and me getting married?” Diana’s English accent is terrible. Why does she talk to me like that? She’s not even British.

I’ve been thinking a lot this week about love, and what I can say about it without sounding redundant. What can you really say about love that hasn’t been said literally thousands of times before? What more can I say when so many inspired philosophers, authors, poets, and playwrights have already weighed in on the subject with far more eloquence than I’m capable of? Just as humankind has always done for centuries, we are born, we grow, we learn, and we fade away. But in between, there are some beautiful moments where, with a little luck, we find love, we get married, and we celebrate with grand parties just like this one. It’s happened billions of times before throughout the ages, and I should think that it will happen billions of times more in the future. When you begin thinking of anything on that grand a scale, you begin to wonder, “So what?” Love? It’s all been done before, so what’s all the fuss about? What a tidy little rut we find ourselves in.

But love is no rut, not in any form. Love is the grand experiment of life that constantly surprises us by joy, one generation after the next, and always with the same old bag of tricks. The human dance wouldn’t be the same without love to guide us with all of its familiar refrains. Robert Frost once said, “Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” That innate desire lives inside all of us, and it begs us to dream, challenges us to grow, and dares us to care about someone other than ourselves. Love is that immutable constant of the human spirit that invariably keeps us all human. Love is our guarantee that the human spirit, for all of its frailties, will always have something worth celebrating. Tonight, my human spirit soars with gratitude and joy because two people whom I love very much have dedicated their lives to loving each other. I can think of no better reason to celebrate.

Tonight, my friends, let’s all raise our glasses in celebration to Josh and Sarah.

Posted by KZ on 12/22/08

Guest Contribution by Zhenia Reprincev

Heroes is back, and with a vengeance!  The new storyline will be riveting, the action scenes thick with excitement, and more villains galore!

‘Tis the release of Season Three: VILLAINS!

The TV show “Heroes” is perhaps one of the most widely-known programs on national television, especially after its sharp rise to popularity from its first season on the air.  The show’s writers carefully and creatively integrated the supernatural element of comic book stories to “real life” characters, effectively making the show appealing to a wide demographic.  At first, Heroes seemed like some sort of X-Men rip-off, but with each episode, the story lines became more and more interesting, due to the nature of each character and how they acquired and used their “abilities,” another word for special powers.

The excitement and originality, however, would only last for a short period of time.  Season one was fairly entertaining and season two felt lacking in comparison.  The infamous writer’s strike earlier this year fortunately brought the ailing second season to a close.  Almost immediately, it was announced that season three was in the works, and the show’s creators promised it to be “bigger, badder, and worth the wait.”  Unfortunately, this turned out to be far from the case.  Perhaps the writers were pissed, because Sylar stole their brains, based on the material that appeared so far this season.

Currently, Heroes is almost halfway into its third season, and with its highly erratic and incoherent plot, it is evident there either may have been a change in writers or the same writers are writing ridiculous material on purpose to see if ratings are affected.  It is highly likely the show’s creators allowed a class of third graders to write the Heroes script, all separately, then taking each submitted script, random episodes had been strewn together.  I mean, nothing makes sense anymore, even though there seems to be some sort of suspenseful moment at the conclusion of each episode.

Do you not believe me?  Here are ten legitimate reasons Heroes season three fails at almost every level (and I am sure there are many more):

1. Sylar’s Sudden Change of Heart

Season one’s main antagonist was a super-powered serial killer named Gabriel Gray, who took on the name Sylar after discovering his potential for acquiring other people’s powers.  He figures out a way to obtain new abilities by slicing the skull off of the top of his victims’ heads to study their brains.  We later figure out that Sylar’s killing spree had been triggered by an insatiable hunger for power consumption, all linked to his innate ability of intuitive aptitude (the ability that allows its possessor to understand how things work).  Essentially, he could find out how people with abilities “worked,” which allowed him to steal their power after exposing their brain and studying it (of course, by doing this, he would kill each victim, the only exception being Claire, due to her invulnerability).

Now, as season three began its course, the creators created a convoluted story, making the viewers feel sorry for Sylar, for he had been a victim of his “hunger,“ forcing him to kill against his will.  In an episode that took the viewers into the past, we saw Sylar attempt to hang himself due to his guilt over killing his first victim.  Additionally, in an episode that took the viewers into the future, we see Sylar with full control over his ability, as he essentially curbed his hunger for power consumption, showing viewers that he had, in fact, become “good.”  He even had a son, named Noah (presumably after Noah Bennet, the man, who during the whole course of the show, hunted Sylar), whom he cited as being partially responsible for suppressing his homicidal tendencies.  During many of the episodes of season three, Sylar was seen fighting his “hunger” and tried very hard to be a “different person” on his road to redemption.

All changed when the eleventh episode of season three aired, effectively rendering the creators’ work to shape the “repentant” Sylar character completely and utterly worthless.  He immediately reverted back to his homicidal self, cited his good behavior as “just temporary,” and began killing innocent victims all over again.

2. Timeline Inconsistencies

Sometimes, aired Heroes episodes take place during a different timeline than the regular course of the show.  For instance, characters will be warped to some unknown time into the future or past.  During “future” episodes, viewers are introduced to a grim future (usually five years into the future), and expect the protagonists in the show to go back in time to keep that particular catastrophe from happening.  Naturally, there will be future versions of the show’s characters without any correlation to their present selves at all, making some viewers realize, “Um, why was that stupid ass episode aired?”  It makes no sense.“  I mean, Claire somehow bears some particular hatred for Peter?  Sylar has a child named Noah?  Then there is also Matt Parkman.  It seems every future version of himself somehow gets caught up taking some stupid ass side for some stupid ass reason.  In fact, the only similarity between present-day Parkman and future Parkman is he is still the same idiot.  The ”past“ episodes are even more ludicrous.  During a recent episode, Claire goes back to visit herself as a baby and runs into her adoptive parents who have no idea who she is, but she ends up talking to them, briefly taking care of herself and giving her parents omens and warnings of the future.  Wouldn’t the present versions of the characters realize, “Hey, I remember when you came back to the past!” ?

Besides, the whole idea of going back to the past could never happen.  Think of the Terminator movies, assuming that robots and time machines actually exist.  If John Connor made it to the future alive, there is no way he could have been killed in the past.  The only time I had seen a well thought out journey to the past through film and TV was when I watched the Darren Aronofsky movie The Fountain.  Go see it if you have not.

Some movies and shows treat going to the past as if the past timeline was moving at the same time as the present one.  For examples, see movies such as Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure (don’t ask me how Keanu Reeves still gets work) and the mid-80s sci-fi B-movie Trancers.  In Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, for instance, the duo “hurried” back home to deliver their presentation, although it would not occur, time-wise, for 100 years.

Heroes does not even take this angle, which makes the already unrealistic show even more unrealistic and sophomoric.

Here is another part, too.  Sylar and Peter apparently became brothers during season three (which was later proven false), although when Peter went to the future, Sylar was still under the impression they were brothers.  So, Sylar and/or Peter could not have found out the truth over five years?  And Sylar had not reverted to his “evil” self?

3. Sylar Petrelli!  I mean…just kidding!

Another way creators/writers try to add spice to their show is to somehow make people who you would never think are related…related (a good example was when Dexter, from the eponymous ‘Dexter,’ finds out the serial killer from the first season was his older brother).  The big “shocker” this season (oooooooo) was when viewers discovered Sylar was Angela and Arthur Petrelli’s son, effectively making him Peter and Nathan’s brother.  This “fact,” of course, proved to be false, as it was retracted several episodes later.  So, here I am again…dumbfounded.  It reminded me of 24’s season six, a sinking ship from the beginning, when the writers said amongst themselves, literally, “The ratings are down this year?  The viewers say we are running out of material?  Oh, screw that…we are making that geek from season five, you know, the bad guy with the Bluetooth…yeah, we’re making him, umm…Jack’s brother!  Oh wait, the show still sucks?  Okay, let’s make the real bad guy his daddy!”  It had been an attempt to save the season (and perhaps the show), but it was executed so poorly.  Given that Heroes did the exact same thing, then retracted it, their execution was even worse.

I could see the writers fighting amongst themselves.  “Who’s freakin’ idea was that?!  I am changing it back to the way it was, bastards!”

4. Arthur Petrelli Pulls A Jesus

Here is another “thrilling” element.  Arthur Petrelli, known to be dead throughout the whole series, suddenly came back to life in season three.  The creators desperately tried to find some reason to bring him back from the dead by airing an episode in the past that showed him being poisoned, but not entirely killed.  He became the main antagonist of the show with the ability to absorb others’ abilities, leaving them dry without power, to take for his own.  This whole plan of his abruptly ended when he was killed off during the last aired episode, but who knows…he may come back to life again!

Since I am also on the topic of inconsistencies, the actor portraying Arthur Petrelli looks nothing like his counterpart on the “group of twelve who founded the Company” photo (see photos below), which means the writers were incredibly desperate to find another villain.  They would have been significantly more successful introducing someone new with a very interesting, preferably disturbing, background.

If you can see what I mean:

Arthur Petrelli

“Arthur Petrelli”

5. Isaac’s Posthumous Paintings Are Back…Again.

In season one, Sylar killed off one of the main recurring characters, a precognitive painter named Isaac Mendez, in order to steal his ability.  Ever since his death, many “posthumous” paintings of his have shown up with some sort of omen attached to them.  Although I understand that idea may work the first couple of times, the writers reuse this concept so often in season three, it is just annoying, not to mention, completely unoriginal.  I mean, how come the characters of the show did not discover these, you know…earlier?  No matter how good the show’s writers think they are…how do you explain the circumstances concerning his paintings that just keep popping all over the place?  Additionally, it just so happens during each episode the paintings and/or comic books they find of his happen to be relevant to the current story line.  During a recent episode, a comic book store possesses all of the “9th Wonder” comic books that were previously undiscovered by any of the main characters.  The show is already unrealistic enough…

The writers could have at least created a new precognitive painter, like the African man, and implied that he/she was painting them.  I mean, seriously…Isaac is releasing more posthumous material than 2Pac ever did.

6. Sylar Loses His Abilities

Viewers reluctantly watch as Sylar regained his abiities at the conclusion of season two.  Or did he?  After the numerous abilities he gained through season one, including telekinesis, freezing, telepathy, melting, enhanced hearing, and radioactivity, the only ability he retained after losing all of them during season two (after taking some sort of antidote) was telekinesis.  Is there any explanation for this?

7. Sylar Has Peter’s Ability?  Yeah, But Screw It.  Killing Is Fun.

Here is how badly this idea was executed.  First of all, it is revealed that Sylar had Peter’s “empathic” ability all along, allowing him to obtain the powers of others without actually having to kill them, essentially revealing that Sylar’s “knowing how things work” ability was just all demented and messed up to begin with.  During the season, Sylar’s reason for killing was to obtain others’ abilities…so if he was in fact “good,” then why did he not continue to take abilities using empathy?  Sylar used his empathic ability once, when he obtained Elle’s lightning.  After this whole new discovery, however, Sylar went back to his old ways anyway, first killing a pretty lady to take her lie detection ability, then killing Elle later…for fun?

8. The Solar Eclipse

The “solar eclipse” seems to be a very important element of the television series.  I mean, the O from the “HEROES” title is represented by a small picture of a solar eclipse.  During the third season, Arthur Petrelli foretells the coming of the eclipse with a drawing.  So, then a two-part episode is released, called “The Eclipse.”  Finally, three seasons later, an explanation!

Prepare to be disappointed, because here is what happened:

The eclipse lasted for less than fifteen minutes and all it did was prevent people with abilities from using them, and then – hey – they got their same abilities right back.  Viewers waited two and a half years for that?!

9. The Niki Sanders / Tracy Sanders Snafu

Heroes also is lucky enough to suffer from the greedy actor/actress syndrome.  You know, when an actor or actress from the show determines that their salary of “only” $200,000 per episode is not enough, so they back out unless they get a raise.  The show’s executive team then proceeds to tell the respective actor/actress to screw off and find work elsewhere, until hey!  There is no work!  So they come back, of course…to find their character is killed off.

Or is it?

Niki Sanders (played by Ali Larter) made an entrance from the beginning of the series as a schizophrenic woman, whose alternate personality “Jessica” possessed enhanced strength (and proportionately enhanced insanity).  At the conclusion of season two, she became trapped in a burning building and subsequently died in the ensuing explosion.  Miraculously, in season three, she came back…but as a different girl named Tracy, a woman “mysteriously“ an exact copy of Niki.  This character appeared out of absolute nowhere, completely oblivious to the fact that someone who looked exactly like her lived in the same area and nobody ever knew.  Seriously, where did she come from?

It is discovered she was in fact Niki’s sister who had been genetically enhanced at birth, giving her a freezing power, unlike her sister, who got enhanced strength.  The whole premise of Niki and Tracy becoming separated at birth,  and the explanation for their different abilities…still remains a mystery.  What I am thinking here is the writers killed her off due to her contract ending (with no desire to renew), until she finally renewed the contract after her character had indeed been killed off.  What a crap idea that was.

10. The Catalyst

May I ask what the Hell is the catalyst and where did it come from?  For those of you who do not know, the catalyst was that glowing essence that apparently was needed to bond the ions for the formula (the substance that grants people abilities) together in order for it to be usable.  I do not understand exactly why it was introduced into the story line, but the whole idea of it was very poor and was equally poorly executed.

Posted by Zhenia Reprincev on 12/18/08

Casey: http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2008/12/2008_greek_riots.html
Kevin: damn, that’s nuts
Kevin: compelling pictures
Casey: too bad they didn’t put the phone number for hot protester chick in #7
Kevin: lol dude i was thinking the same thing. is that wrong?
Casey: never
Kevin: she’s fighting for social justice and government reform and shit
Kevin: and we’re just thinking about banging her
Casey: bow chicka bow wow

Posted by KZ on 12/16/08

During the spring of 2008, the Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Library in downtown San Jose held a massive book sale. Hundreds of books were spread out in the courtyard by the rear entrance, on sale for as many as you could fit into a grocery-sized paper bag for five dollars.

Among this bounty of undervalued books, I found and purchased an old, worn copy of Garfield Takes Up Space.

Just recently, I finally got around to reading the book. I love Garfield, and so of course I enjoyed the book from cover to cover. When I reached the last page, though, I came across something that made me pause. On the upper left corner of the inside cover was a handwritten message: “Sassy was there & here!” The ampersand was modified to look like a heart with hooks and bubbles hovering above and below it.

As I’ve mentioned before, I find something fascinating about graffiti in public places. Just as equally, I get this visceral kick from discovering handwritten notes in previously handled books. There’s an entire world out there of subtext, secret monologues, raw opinions, frantic notes, and words literally written between the lines. What a wonderful thing it is to open a book and to immediately understand how the words within affected the reader who came before you. It’s like you’re taking a glimpse into someone else’s subconscious mind, and your shared experience with this stranger suddenly becomes all the more meaningful.

As I stared down at Sassy’s note to the world, I realized how sad it was that the potency of her message had to die so that I could purchase this discounted Garfield book. How many others would have seen Sassy’s note had I decided not to throw this tattered old book into my paper bag?

So today of all days, before the close of the year, I’m getting the word out. Sassy was there & here!

Posted by KZ on 12/15/08

For as long as we’ve been dating, Diana has complained that I hardly ever write about her in my blog. “Why don’t you write about how wonderful your girlfriend is?” she asks me periodically. “You can write pages about all of your ex-girlfriends or about how you’re pining over some girl, but you never write about me.”

Over the lifespan of this blog, I’ve written a fair amount about unrequited love, and I’ve occasionally referenced an ex-girlfriend or two since I’m still friends with almost everyone I’ve dated. But you know, Diana is right. It’s about time that I paid her proper tribute. Here’s a little poem I wrote exalting the many ways that I love Diana.

Lesser-Than Sign, 3

D is for the delight of her awesome Diana-ness
I is a letter in the name “Diana”. So they tell me;
A is for her abundant, annoying attempts to pimp a shout-out on my blog
N is for the necessity to fill this poem up with nice words…almost done
A is another letter in Diana, who is awesome, and who rules!
<3 <3 <3!

I hope you like it, Diana. This one’s from the heart.

Posted by KZ on 12/03/08

Kevin: that’s what happens when you distract me at work
Casey: Kevin: that’s what happens when i drink white russians at work
Casey: fixed
Kevin: i’m lactose intolerant
Kevin: i’d do better with black russians
Casey: that’s racist
Kevin: so by your line of thought, would that mean i blow white guys from russia while i’m at work?
Casey: shit, who doesn’t?

Posted by KZ on 12/03/08