I’ve never understood why so many people choose to euphemize sex by referring to it as “the birds and the bees.” Due to common usage, we all know what it means when somebody invokes that phrase. But standing alone on its own merits, the “the birds and the bees” is an embarrassingly ill-constructed analogy. What act of nature are we trying to describe when we use that expression? Are we actually implying that bumblebees and birds are out there in the wild, fucking each other indiscriminately without any regard to their biological incompatibility? If that is an accurate depiction of the bird-bee dynamic, and if people still insist that human sexuality is analogous to the interactions between birds and bees, then I suppose we’re not very far removed from endorsing bestiality. And thank God for that, because I’ve been itching for a chance to romance a sheep, and to do it legally.

But unfortunately for my sheep fetish, that’s not what we mean to say at all. Whenever we mention “the birds and the bees,” we’re referring to the fact that those flying critters play a vital role in plant reproduction. Birds and bees instinctively facilitate pollination. In an imperfect, roundabout kind of way, pollen-dusted birds and bees take on the “male” role of plant reproduction by acting as phalluses when they penetrate flower buds in their search for nectar. It is in that act of petal penetration where humans have recognized a key parallel to sexual intercourse between a man and a woman–one seed carrier, and one fertile recipient.

So what’s this “birds and the bees” thing all about? Doesn’t that expression basically amount to “penises and wangs?” It’s a little redundant, if you ask me. I’ve got nothing against gay people and homosexual intimacy, but I don’t think people had that in mind when they came up with the bird-and-bee euphemism. I think a more accurate analogy to human reproduction would be something like, “the flowers and the birds.” I know, that phrase doesn’t roll off the tongue quite as nicely as when you’re talking about “the birds and the bees.” There’s no punchy alliteration, and the consonance scheme feels a little awkward. But at the very least, it’s analogically consistent with human reproduction–which was the entire point of the idiotic euphemism to begin with.

So the next time somebody gives you trouble for referring to sex as “the flowers and the birds,” just remember this: You’re right, they’re wrong, and the world has run amok with brainless jackasses. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to find a sheep.