I’ve never understood why so many people choose to euphemize sex by referring to it as “the birds and the bees.” Due to common usage, we all know what it means when somebody invokes that phrase. But standing alone on its own merits, the “the birds and the bees” is an embarrassingly ill-constructed analogy. What act of nature are we trying to describe when we use that expression? Are we actually implying that bumblebees and birds are out there in the wild, fucking each other indiscriminately without any regard to their biological incompatibility? If that is an accurate depiction of the bird-bee dynamic, and if people still insist that human sexuality is analogous to the interactions between birds and bees, then I suppose we’re not very far removed from endorsing bestiality. And thank God for that, because I’ve been itching for a chance to romance a sheep, and to do it legally.

But unfortunately for my sheep fetish, that’s not what we mean to say at all. Whenever we mention “the birds and the bees,” we’re referring to the fact that those flying critters play a vital role in plant reproduction. Birds and bees instinctively facilitate pollination. In an imperfect, roundabout kind of way, pollen-dusted birds and bees take on the “male” role of plant reproduction by acting as phalluses when they penetrate flower buds in their search for nectar. It is in that act of petal penetration where humans have recognized a key parallel to sexual intercourse between a man and a woman–one seed carrier, and one fertile recipient.

So what’s this “birds and the bees” thing all about? Doesn’t that expression basically amount to “penises and wangs?” It’s a little redundant, if you ask me. I’ve got nothing against gay people and homosexual intimacy, but I don’t think people had that in mind when they came up with the bird-and-bee euphemism. I think a more accurate analogy to human reproduction would be something like, “the flowers and the birds.” I know, that phrase doesn’t roll off the tongue quite as nicely as when you’re talking about “the birds and the bees.” There’s no punchy alliteration, and the consonance scheme feels a little awkward. But at the very least, it’s analogically consistent with human reproduction–which was the entire point of the idiotic euphemism to begin with.

So the next time somebody gives you trouble for referring to sex as “the flowers and the birds,” just remember this: You’re right, they’re wrong, and the world has run amok with brainless jackasses. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to find a sheep.

Posted by KZ on 03/25/05

I admit it. My guilty pleasure is reading internet forums. Forums are places on the web where people who share a common interest can come together and bicker about all of the things that divide them. Actually, as an abstract ideal, a forum thread is a place for advice, observations, thoughtful discourse, and provocative debate. Unfortunately, more often than not, threads devolve from civil discussions into juvenile, dick-waving shouting matches between people that you’d have no interest of ever meeting in real life. Such is life on the internet. Love them or hate them, internet forums offer the same kind of visceral insight into the human condition as a bloody car accident. Something tells you not to look, but it just feels so right to keep on staring.

I’ve seen my fair share of internet forums out there, and even though I regard them as a form of mild entertainment, I also view them as an infinite source of frustration. There are way too many people out there banging on keyboards that have little to no regard for other people. How can so many forum posters be so ignorant, so inexplicably hostile, or just so downright lame? I know, the simple solution would be to stop reading those forums once I’ve had my fill of human stupidity, and to actually do something constructive on my downtime. That’s probably not a bad idea, but that’s not how I roll. So in lieu of doing something constructive, I present to you a list of complaints. These are the people and the kinds of antics performed in internet forums that piss me off.

• People that preface every mildly contentious statement with IMO (In My Opinion), or the passive aggressive and ridiculously apologetic IMHO (In My Humble Opinion). Support your arguments with thoughtful analysis, and just take some accountability for your opinions, would you please?




• Forum posters that think it’s cute to end their paragraphs with redundant, pseudo-html closing tags.
  

  Example 1:

  People, please stop spamming the boards! You fuckhead spammers clog the boards with your useless irrelevant crap, and then the well-meaning forum regulars add EVEN MORE posts begging the spammers to stop. Just all of you STFU and please stay on topic! If you don’t like what I have to say, then go sodomize yourself with a splintered broom you fucking n00bs!!! /rant

  
  Example 2:

  Yeah, that’s a great idea. While we’re at it, why don’t we rub our bodies down with marinated cuts of raw steak and then run through a lion pit wearing bunny costumes? /sarcasm

  
  Example 3:

  I’d rather french kiss the wrong side of a cow instead of watching that movie again. /opinion

  Just once, I’d love to see one of these people end a post with “/head in my own ass.”




• People who don’t realize that making fun of noob posters with facetious “l33t sp3ak” has grown into a tired and unamusing cliché.
  

  Example:

  I honestly think the PS2 is the superior gaming console since its library of games is so diverse. I know, we all have different opinions on this subject, but just hear me out before you n00bs start chiming in with comments like, “OMG WTF DOOD???? j00 ARE TEH n00b! XbOx pwns j00! I ARE TEH r0×0rz!!!!!!!!!!111111one”

  Blah. That might have been funny once back in 1998, but no longer. We need to put this one to rest.




• Talking street. Typing illegibly and punctuating your sentences with phrases like “aite dawg” and words like “homie” will not make you cool. It never has, and I don’t foresee that ever changing.




• I love strikethrough text! It lets me say, verbatim, the things that I expressly disagree with. Then, I get the opportunity to nullify it with a horizontal line! It’s so ironic and so clever! Writing in strikethrough text to make a sarcastic statement.




• People who don’t understand the purpose of punctuation.




• People who think it’s funny to post attitude graphics in order to mock the thread or another poster. “Yet another gay thread.” “No, you’re the homo.” “How about a nice cup of shut the fuck up?” Do you get the feeling that the people who post these pictures are the same ones that write death threats on form letters sold in stationery stores? “Dear Sir or Madam: I find your viewpoint intolerable and entirely irreconcilable with my own. Prepare to die on ______ the ______ at ______ am/pm. Thank you.”




• Those who feel the need to use slurs or other assorted “naughty words,” but who don’t bother to learn the proper spelling of the terms. Here’s a quick lesson for all of you:
  

  (1) “Masturbate” does not have an “e” after the first “t.”
  (2) The word “faggot” is pretty much never appropriate, but if you still feel compelled to use it before the admin bans you, try remembering that the only vowels in the word are “a” and “o.” Aite dawg?
  (3) There is no “e” in “bastard.”
  (4) Niger is a country in Africa.
  (5) There is no “s” in “douche bag.” There is, however, a “u.” Think about that one for a while.

The list could go on, but that’s really the worst of it. Happy posting, everybody.

/frivolous rant

Posted by KZ on 03/12/05