There’s something that’s been bothering me since my days as a student in Catholic elementary school. I guess you could call it a theological question, but I’d be more inclined to classify it as a matter of common sense. And maybe this is an issue that only bothers me, but I have to say that I was never much impressed by King Solomon’s wisdom.

In 1 Kings 3:16-28, you’ll find one of the most retold stories of the Hebrew Scriptures (otherwise known as the Old Testament). The syntax of the story varies depending on which version of the Bible you’re holding, but the gist of the story always remains the same. According to the New American Catholic Bible, the story goes something like this:

16: [T]wo harlots came to the king and stood before him.
17: One woman said: “By your leave, my lord, this woman and I live in the same house, and I gave birth in the house while she was present.
18: On the third day after I gave birth, this woman also gave birth.
19: This woman’s son died during the night; she smothered him by lying on him.
20: Later that night she got up and took my son from my side, as I, your handmaid, was sleeping. Then she laid him in her bosom, after she had laid her dead child in my bosom.
21: I rose in the morning to nurse my child, and I found him dead. But when I examined him in the morning light, I saw it was not the son whom I had borne.”

22: The other woman answered, “It is not so! The living one is my son, the dead one is your child, the living one is mine!” Thus they argued before the king.

23: Then the king said: “One woman claims, ‘This, the living one, is my child, and the dead one is yours.’ The other answers, ‘No! The dead one is your child; the living one is mine.’”
24: The King continued, “Get me a sword.” When they brought the sword before him,
25: he said, “Cut the living child in two, and give half to one woman and half to the other.”
26: The woman whose son it was, in the anguish she felt for it, said to the king, “Please, my lord, give her the living child–please do not kill it!” The other, however, said, “It shall be neither mine nor yours. Divide it!”
27: The king then answered, “Give the first one the living child! By no means kill it, for she is the mother.”

28: When all Israel heard the judgment the king had given, they were in awe of him, because they saw that the king had in him the wisdom of God for giving judgment.

This is the passage cited by Christians and Jews alike when they speak of the wisdom of King Solomon. Am I the only one who has a problem with this? God told the king to make a threat on an infant’s life in order to solve a custody dispute? Good thinking, KS. Cut the little bastard in half. It’s a well-known fact that babies can learn to live without functional digestive systems. I know, King Solomon was most likely trying to get a rise out of the real mother, but did he really have to go to such an extreme? If you ask me, the king sounds more sadistic than noble. What benevolent monarch threatens to murder a child in front of a parent? (Well, you know, excluding that practical joke God pulled on Abraham and Isaac back in Chapter 22 of Genesis.)

I do admit that King Solomon’s threat on the kid’s life amounts to a shrewd tactical decision on his part, but I think the author of the book of 1 Kings might be embellishing to the point of hyperbole. For example, if you were a con-woman trying to commit a state-sanctioned kidnapping, why in God’s name would you encourage your king to kill the kid whom you’re trying to obtain? “He’s my kid, I love him very much, but I’d gladly cut him in half to spite this chick standing next to me.” Right. And then there’s that line about all of Israel being in “awe” of King Solomon after hearing about this historical judgment. If that’s not a shining endorsement for masturbation in the Jewish and Christian faiths, then I don’t know what is.

From where I stand, the story of King Solomon depicts an arbitrator getting extremely lucky after making a risky decision. The whole thing borders on recklessness. If he had actually cut the kid in half, he would have been regarded as a tyrant. If both of the women had cried out in equal despair, Solomon would have ended up looking like a sadistic, ineffectual ass. But luckily for the king, the lying woman reacted to Solomon’s bluff in the worst possible way. We’re left, therefore, with two possibilities: (1) The author of the story exaggerated some of the facts, presumably for King Solomon’s benefit; or (2) The events played out exactly how they were recorded, and thus it can be said that King Solomon merely outsmarted a dimwit. In all candor, neither alternative is very flattering.

Sorry Solomon. You may have been a great man, but that baby-chopping story doesn’t impress me.

Posted by KZ on 01/31/05

Tara: my birthday’s coming!!!
Kevin: yay, me too
Tara: eh mine’s first
Tara: muahahaha
Kevin: <–taller
Tara: <==== can still take you DOWN
Kevin: <–wearing an iron stomach guard!
Tara: ew
Kevin: what? it’s armor that prevents you from tickling or poking me.
Tara: i dunno i just pictured it and it was gross
Kevin: it’s not like i said i was going to fight you naked from the waist down after having dipped my lower half in honey
Tara: ew
Kevin: lmao
Kevin: it’s just too easy with you

Posted by KZ on 01/26/05

Sooner than never
they change at each stage
they stage each arrangement
through fictional shapes

formed to fool
they play with words
as if nothing ever
disrupted
the stream of eternal monotony

You can’t change what you can’t name
so ignorance they teach us from an early age
dressing their lies with the bind that ties

explained genocide

-Kevin Zing

Posted by KZ on 01/20/05

It’s so hard to stay motivated. I’m getting frustrated with the repetitive grind that is law school. This is only week two. Well, it’s week two of semester two, but the previous sentence had far more dramatic effect than this current one could ever hope to muster. I’m just tired.

Normally, I’m not the type that believes in omens, but recent events have me wondering. For one thing, I’m remembering my dreams. In my waking life, I have a fairly robust imagination, but one of the greatest frustrations of my life is that I wake up most mornings feeling completely out of touch with my subconscious. For the past week, however, I’ve developed a vague awareness of all of my dreams. They’ve mostly been nightmares.

Then there was that 60 Minutes story I saw on the opera-singing dwarf. Forgive my lack of political correctness, but I find the term “little person” slightly condescending. Anyway, two weeks ago, Ed Bradley interviewed opera singer Thomas Quasthoff, one of the finest baritones of his generation. He also happens to be a physically disabled “little person.” His arms are less than half the length of what they ought to be, which has prevented him from learning a musical instrument. It was because of this handicap that he was never able to enroll in a music school, despite his impressive singing voice. With his options limited, he reluctantly studied law. My heart sank as I listened to Quasthoff reflect on his legal career:

“It’s very, very hard if you know and if you feel inside yourself, ‘I am an artist and I want to be an artist,’ and then to have this dry stuff. It was really a hard time.”

I am an artist at heart, but I’ve also grown mighty accustomed to eating. To my mind, pursuing law has always seemed to be an appropriate middle ground between work and play. That’s not to say, of course, that I never doubt myself. And of all the nights to watch 60 Minutes, I had to choose this particular show, which spoke directly to my personal anxieties and verbalized a fear of mine that I’ve been trying to overcome. Either God is trying to do me a huge favor, or He has a really sick sense of humor.

Then, most recently, there was the blue book incident. Last semester, I didn’t do nearly as well as I had hoped I would. Today, I had the unhappy task of retrieving my old final exams from the registrar’s office so that I could figure where I went wrong. I approached the counter, showed my student ID, and the clerk set my blue books down beside an untidy stack of papers. I reached out a hand to retrieve my finals, and I inflicted on myself one of the most violent paper cuts that I’ve had in years.

I’m not a superstitious person. Rationally, I know that my viewing of the 60 Minutes story and the blue book mauling are entirely unrelated events. Furthermore, my dreams are only a natural bi-product of the heightened anxiety that resulted from receiving my low grades. But I’m a lover of metaphor and literary symbolism. If I were a character in a novel, surely readers would take note of all the recent events in my life and regard them as blatant devices of foreshadowing.

But what the hell happens next? It’s frightening, isn’t it? What happens next in your life is ultimately up to you. I feel like hiding in my bed for the next few days.

Posted by KZ on 01/19/05

Kevin: i liked the old one though
Diana: nah, this one looks better
Kevin: i’m the only one who liked the old picture
Diana: bwahahaha
Diana: and the cheese stands alone, my friend
Kevin: the mice will find me
Kevin: and then i’ll indulge in a huge rodent orgy
Kevin: yeah, you like that, Hammy? [Diana's hamster]
Kevin: ooh, do it, Mickey
Kevin: hey, Chuck E. Cheese, get in here!
Diana: ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Diana: WTF
Diana: why is hammy in there?????
Diana: and why are all the rodents guys?

Posted by KZ on 01/15/05

This is my first week back into the law school rut, and already I’m resenting the whole experience. Perhaps my petulant inner child is just prone to griping. After all, a month’s worth of vacation is enough to spoil even the most diligent students. And I think it’s safe to say that I’m not the world’s most diligent student, although I do try. I just miss my winter freedom. I miss the promise of a lazy tomorrow. I miss those midday naps laying beside Diana. Winter breaks are good for the soul, but they’re a detriment to your motivation.

Incidentally, if any GGU administrator should happen to stumble across my blog, I would invite him or her to kindly disregard this entry. It’s just a big, fat joke. Law student schtick, you know. Wakka wakka.

Posted by KZ on 01/14/05

I know, I haven’t posted in a while. I feel sort of bad for neglecting trusty ol’ Gray, but it was a necessary evil. You see, right around December 24th, I wrote up four entries’ worth of lighthearted tsunami anecdotes. And well, we all know what happened shortly after that. So you see? The timing was all wrong.

Posted by KZ on 01/14/05