It’s happened to all of us at least some point in our lives. You reenter a room after visiting the restroom, and you find some guy in your seat. You politely ask to reclaim your chair, and the guy stands up, claps you on the arm, and says, “Here ya go, buddy. Just keeping it warm for you.”

I don’t care much for that quaint sentiment of keeping somebody’s seat warm. First of all, it’s an excuse. Nobody ever steals your seat to keep it warm for you. More likely, they’re acting out of self-interest to make themselves more comfortable until you come back. Secondly, maybe this will make me sound like a prude, but I don’t want to think about heat emanating off of somebody’s ass and transferring to the chair by way of some endothermic reaction, only to have that heat retransfer to my own ass when I sit back down. Keeping my seat warm? No thanks, buddy. Either stop drawing attention to your steaming hot ass, or just stay the hell away from my seat.